Tread Softly For You Tread On My Dreams

A funny thing happened to me the other day. I don't think this has happened really in a number of years, but I got turned on by a girl. Made me more confused than being attracted to boys. Truth is, I always said I was more bi than fully gay, but it was still a bit confusing. I'm over it.

Anyway, I discovered a whole new local social scene, really an entire subculture that somehow flew below the radar--like--forever. It was pretty cool. And I'm set to start my new job this week, finally. Nervous? You bet! Not just nervous, that's not quite the word. More like horrified. But it'll be cool. And then there's the applications. They take so long! And the process has had me doing a lot of thinking. About myself, what I want to do, where I see myself in five years? Ten? Cliched, I know. But it's still real.

And then there was this guy, well actually lets go in order. There was this guy who was cute, with the trim three-day beard, light shortish hair, looks great in a suit. Two button suit with the top shirt button open and white shirt-tails hanging out beneath the jacket. Then there was this really cute guy I just wanted to hold and kiss and cuddle. Smart, a little computer-geeky, but in a good way. Great smile. I'm not good at these descriptions. Then there was this really amazing brilliant gorgeous law student whose outfit and hair were so cute, and his cheeks rosy from alcohol, even his voice was sexy. And then he was having intense conversations about God and morality and prime time television, wow! Dreamy. Marriage material.

Sorry about the daydreams. Back to what I was saying, that I'm applying to do a doctorate just for the hell of it, though I'm not sure I like the field, or that having this degree will actually qualify me to work in the field. But this is the area I've studied, so in this area I'm prepared to pursue graduate study, perhaps even in the Ivy League. Which is an exciting proposition to me for some unidentified reason (probably having a lot to do with vanity).

Remind me to look up network theory. Someone mentioned it in casual conversation (as in, "network theory helped me solve LSAT logic games easily) along with a host of esoteric math concepts (integrals, partial differentials, you know the drill) which made me realize just how much I have to learn. Oh, and about love. So there was this great young couple. Actually the first time I saw a young married couple behaving normally. Like normal people. Not like those famous Maalot Dafna couples. Not like the Ramat Eshkol couples. Not like the Machal couples. They were regular people, though they played Shabbos hosts, it wasn't a stuffy make-believe matziv like the way those newlyweds play house according to all the rules they think they are supposed to follow. It was just friends getting together and chilling. And it was really beautiful. Anyway not to sound to mushy but I'm pretty open about blabbering my feelings here.

So the husband says about his wife that he is so obsessed with her that if she ever cheated with another guy he'd feel like his life was forfeit, like killing himself. Hearing him describe his feelings like that made me think. To me, I subscribe overly much to the sex is just sex theory and emotional attachments are rare. Perhaps because I haven't met the right person yet, but perhaps also because I have a totally skewed sense of relationships to begin with. I admired his sentiments but couldn't relate. I don't remember feeling that way about anybody. If I was with a guy and he cheated, well, it was to be expected. How could I expect him to pass up an opportunity, and as long as he's there for me when I need him, so what if he played with someone else. No, I'm not comfortable with this. This way of thinking. I don't know, it sounds like a great theory, but it doesn't connect with most people. Here's where I stop making sense.

Not that I can't be monogamous. Actually, that is the most natural state for me when I'm with a guy I really like. If things are going well with one person, I totally don't need anyone else. Not interested. It's when I'm with someone who is not an optimal fit that I'm still in the game, seeking better. Ok, I wrote too much. My heart is on the table. Cut it up if you will.

And another thing. I apparently have this total mental block about calling home when I'm going to be late. So every time I go out, I come back to a litany of, "We were so worried about you. How come you didn't call? I guess you don't care how we feel." So I get the feeling, right or wrong, that they don't approve of my going out, don't approve of having friends. So I alternate staying home and being a loner with going out and slipping out without telling my parents. Then if it's getting late, I think, "I'm still having a good time and not ready to leave," and the idea of just calling to say I'll be in late somehow does not occur to me at all, even though I had resolved the last time to do just that. So the cycle repeats. But the funny thing is, I do not have a bad memory, so I think it is some psychological block on calling home. Like I block out the idea subconsciously because I get these vibes of disapproval from them that I'm not interested in even though practically I know the right thing is to call. And I'm self-centered. And hey, while I'm at it, sex-obsessed. Though not as much as I used to be. Okay, as much.

Life Without Murder

"Life without murder is like life without food."
"A first killing is like your first love. You never forget it."
- Alexander Pichushkin, Chessboard Killer, on serial killing. He was convicted yesterday on 48 counts of murder in Moscow.

Equus Pics

Great pics of Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) in Equus.

Falling Into Solipsism

gre general test and advanced psychology test and midterms two of them on one day and tons of homework and lab and people wonder why i don't have time and when will i start to work and yet i feel i am not doing as much as everybody else is somehow and i'm preparing applications to between 10 and 30 schools and i can't decide which ones and i'm feeling pressure and frustration and no right to feel pressured as my life is so damn easy and everyone else works hard and yet am i am working hard did i not do a thousand thousand different things and yet i'm a waste and i can't even write this thing legibly my writing sucks an admissions question asks for an essay about your two proudest accomplishments and i can't think of any accomplishment that a i have and b is worth being proud of. maybe i'm proud of graduating college but this is vile why be proud of that a it was easy and b is it even a good thing? to be proud of the number of times i've been laid, should i put that on my resume? or the books i've read or the movies i've watched or the blog entries i've written or the music i've heard or the opinions i have. what is me? or, more grammatically, what am i, or more accurately, what is me? to be proud of my puny vocabulary (somewhat expanded by recent studying)? to be proud of my selfishness, my total lack of empathy? to be proud of the weight i can lift or the miles i can run? what have i done? what have i done? to be proud of the length of my hair or the slogan on my t-shirt? the food that i eat or my hallucinations of ontological rationality? tell me. there is nothing when evaluated dispassionately but the people in it seem to feel something and it pushes them on. life looks like a don't think just do kind of adventure. does it make sense? no, hell no. but just do it and it works. success is the fruit of the stupidity vine. so is winning the game equal to giving in?

life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. - shakespeare in macbeth

spumy. what a word.

teacher in texas suspended for including cormac mccarthy's child of god in a ninth grade reading list. parents complained because of the necrophilia. these christian parents ought to remember their own child of god and the graphic displays of his crucifixion. why don't they censor that? and if you think it somehow is different because of some magical religious stuff, not this passage from steinke's jesus saves. "when she was younger she dreamed of christ's body. the holes in his palms and between the tendons of his feet, but not only the gross parts, the sexy parts too, his flat stomach, even his cock". there is a lot of competition in the market for "exploring the darkest limits of human degradation".

remember how my mind puts songs with boys? so "i wanna make love to ya, baby" is in one of my classes. and i met "dream boy", but last i checked he was taken. and i definitely noticed a trend where i want specifically what i can't have, but when i have something that reduces the need exponentially.

(me too)

talk to me people

Dumbledore: I'm Not Gay, Sues Rowling for $70mil

New York - In a daring move yesterday evening, lawyers for Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore filed a defamation suit against author J.K. Rowling in New York Supreme Court. The lawsuit came just hours after Rowling told a capacity crowd at Carnegie Hall that Dumbledore is gay. Rowling, author of the well known Harry Potter series and creator of Albus Dumbledore, told reporters she was shocked by the lawsuit. In later comments, Rowling said she would consider offering to pay for Dumbledore to receive conversion therapy if he is unhappy with his sexual orientation, but insisted that a gay headmaster could be a good role model for his students, "especially the cute ones," she added mischievously.

"We felt that this type of aspersion was something we had to act on immediately," said Derius Farmsworth, head of Farmsworth, Bermer & Fleur, and Dumbledore's chief legal counsel. Since Dumbledore's legal troubles with the Ministry of Magic began several years ago, the headmaster has maintained ties with the law firm. "We believe that Ms. Rowling's comments were libelous, inflammatory, and simply untrue. We hope the courts will help us undo the damage done to Dumbledore's reputation," added Tormary Bermer.

When reached for comment in his office at Hogwarts, Dumbledore's only response was a brusque, "I'm not gay." Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry released an official statement this morning to its parent body. The statement, signed by 27 of their 32 teachers and sent by owl mail, assured parents that they accept Dumbledore at his word but will be careful. "We are proud to stand behind the illustrious personage of Albus Dumbledore in this trying time. We have no reason to believe Ms. Rowling's disgusting insinuation of sexual misconduct, however we are taking precautionary measures to ensure that student safety is our first concern," reads an excerpt from the statement.

Our Hogwarts correspondent spoke with several teachers at the school. Professor McGonagall insisted that even if Dumbledore is gay, there is no reason to assume misconduct and she would recommend to the board that he continue in the role of Hogwarts headmaster. Professor Slughorn insisted he "knew" that Dumbledore could not be gay, and then blushed and would offer no further comment. Severus Snape insisted that he has had reasons to question Dumbledore's sexuality before Rowling outed him and that, "I'm not just talking about his obvious crush on Potter." Professor Snape refused to sign the school's statement and called for Dumbledore's resignation. "Don't think I'm homophobic, I simply believe that it is not in the best interests of our student body to have Albus as headmaster in light of the current situation," Snape added.

The Ministry of Magic could not be reached for official comment, however an unnamed source from within the ministry told us, "We are investigating." Lucius Malfoy demanded action against Dumbledore, "I'm afraid for my son. Who knows what vile acts that faggot headmaster made him do." Harry Potter has eluded the press since the incident became public. Hermione Granger of the Dept. of Magical Law Enforcement told reporters for the Daily Prophet, "It is not a crime to be gay. It is a crime to attribute homosexuality in calumny. We will be watching these developments very closely."

Jail the Jailer!

Cory Mashburn and Ryan Cornelison, both aged 13, were arrested on trumped up sexual harassment charges and subjected to repeated strip searches during their 6 days in prison. The charges were finally dropped. I suggest we arrest the prison guards for child pornography. (st o ry)

Out of Context, Issue 3 (or Who's Afraid of Comparative Advantage?)

"There are two technologies for producing automobiles in America. One is to manufacture them in Detroit, and the other is to grow them in Iowa. Everybody knows about the first technology; let me tell you about the second. First you plant seeds, which are the raw materials from which automobiles are constructed. You wait a few months until wheat appears. Then you harvest the wheat, load it onto ships, and sail the ships westward into the Pacific Ocean. After a few months, the ships reappear with Toyotas on them."

Landsburg, S. (1993). The Armchair Economist. As cited by Bryan Caplan in The 4 Boneheaded Biases of Stupid Voters, reasononline, October 2007.

In Media Luce Erras

Will the academy ever be a phrontistery? Will academe one day become a place for thought? It certainly isn't today. It is a place of hardened dogma. Usually leftist-liberal secularist, though at one school I attended recently the slant went the other way. The biology department didn't believe in evolution (hence I dropped bio and chose chemistry instead). The political environment was right-of-center, with the administration backing the OurCollege Republicans and demeaning Democrats. And, in a contest with the dean and a certain department chair, I struggled to prove the academic credibility of a prominent department in a different university. The episode showed me how blindly Zionist these people were and how intent they are were on molding minds instead of growing them. Why is a free exchange of ideas so difficult to achieve?

Hymn in Ochre

I was sitting on the veranda taking in the autumn sun of a lazy late-morning Sunday
Contemplating the quiddity of poetry and debating how to fix the fault lines of the future
All this and more weighed upon my little mind; the world would be mine!

Then my mother came outside and stood observing the garden
And she said how sorrowful it is too see her children leave,
Her children into whom her life's effort went to raising

She reflected how they are grown and independent little men
As I was sitting on the veranda taking in the autumn sun of a lazy late-morning Sunday
And I felt it then

The future held more of the past and more of the future
Poetry could rot. What is my mood and my world, my little thoughts
To that great woman's reality, a life lived

What was earth-shattering and vital now is cheap and gaudy
A mawkish monument to the creed of ba-li individuality
Abstractions of mine contrasted her concrete feelings
And suddenly concrete was heavier than air, and yet I breathe air

Autumnal Ode and the Bad Thing

My school has these great computing kiosks in random places about the campus for those peripatetic students who need their regular cybershots. Anyway, they also censor my blog from time to time. Seems it is the s-e-x word they don't like. Convservative Republicans think that s-e-x is execrable and immoral. Do Republicans not have s-e-x? Parents are very concerned about s-e-x, they want to protect their children from its evils. Do parents not have s-e-x? Do they do it with a sense of guilt as if they think they really shouldn't?

I saw a squirrel. Several of them, actually. Whole gaggles of them, scurrying about carrying acorns and preparing for winter. 'Tis the season for industrial squirrels. I saw a cat. It was yellow. It was made of glass and steel. 'Tis the seaon for industrial cats. I saw a man. She was weak and fat and smelly and stupid. 'Tis the season for industrial men.

Consulo Verus Parilitas or Crazy "Racist" Rant

So Gore won the prize, so did Arafat. Big deal. I maintain that the Peace Prize is Nobel's black sheep. And all the positive attention to Al Gore is "echad bapeh echad balev " (saying one thing and thinking another) and that is the game of the day. No one can mean what they say because no one can say what they mean for fear of censure. Fear of being censured, in fact, by people who share the sentiment but are afraid to admit to it publicly. So everyone praises Gore's efforts and that absolves them from efforts of their own, which is good because Gore's claims are indeed "inconvenient". Whether they are an "inconvenient truth" or not is a different story. A British Judge found at least ten significant errors in Gore's "Oscar winning" film, which, he ruled, make the film propaganda and unfit as educational material for use in British schools

And the noose thing at Columbia--who said that the noose was hung as a racial insult? Everyone jumps to say it was racially motivated, and there is a suddenly a righteous uproar from the APA about subconscious prejudice. If America wants to recover from racism, we have to stop considering it. The emphasis cannot be on "making the black equal to the white", but rather on treating all people well regardless of their skin color. But that is not what the progeny of the former civil rights movement wants. Today they don't want equal treatment, they want to be lauded for their differences.

Another important point is this: I have a dream, said Dr. King, that my four little children will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. What Dr. King hadn't considered was the way many African Americans today fill their character with their skin color. If Ms. Constantine wouldn't insist on being "a black professor at Columbia" and just concentrate on being a "Columbia psychology professor", she wouldn't need to become alarmed at seeing some rope at her door. She wouldn't garner the type of distaste that she does. Additionally, her copious writings on the differences between black and whites in America make her surprise at unequal treatment and her insistence that this has to do with skin color a joke. If she were white and wrote those things, she would provoke the same reaction.

There is apparently a biased writer at the NY Sun dedicated to provoking interracial misunderstanding, Sarah Garland (I hope you are reading this) who continually throws Jena, Louisiana and the nooses under the "white tree" into her articles without explaining the story and mentioning the six black students who mauled a white boy there. What is more painful: the sight of an empty noose hanging from a tree or the fright and pain of being outnumbered six to one in a dark alley and feeling the merciless blows of hate pounding into your gut? (And if your answer has to do with psychological trauma, you need more help than I thought.)

How can we hope to destroy racism if racist reminders are continually thrown in our faces? If we try to treat all people well and African Americans nevertheless use the accusation of white racism as a weapon to gain ascendancy? How can we hope for equality if white applicants are turned away from universities because a quota of blacks must be filled?

When I go to the doctor, I don't care if the doctor's skin is black or white. I just want to see a qualified physician. However, if I know that a white doctor needed an MCAT score of 30 and a black doctor (because of affirmative action admissions policies) needed an MCAT of only 26 to get in to medical school, and black residents can't be worked too hard in their training lest they complain about being mistreated because of their race, what you end up with is a breed of doctors who are on average less qualified than the overall average standard for what is expected from a doctor. Now, if I were to say I prefer a white doctor am I racist--or simply responding to realistic quality concerns? How can we equate equality with a double standard? ( p.s. My doctor is African American and she is an excellent physician.)

Pundits claim black youth are disadvantaged because they live in poor, crime-ridden communities and therefore need programs to boost them up and make them equal. Then they come from the other end and accuse white people of racism when they oppose government residential integration programs such as subsidized housing for African Americans in historically white communities. Here again, people have no problem if an African American family on a similar socioeconomic strata to them would move in to the house next door. It is not a race issue. But when the government wants to take a poor family from a bad neighborhood and install them into subsidized housing where they will be living in a place they could not normally afford and jealously watching their wealthier neighbors, where they will not fit into the social culture of the community, where they will be different in a thousand ways unrelated to the color of their skin but very related to the content of their character, and people oppose, this is not an example of racism.

Al Gore nominated for Nobel, supporters eye campaign

A Gore presidency could just be the Communism of the 21st century. No, Gore is not a Communist. Yes, he has some good ideas. But like the Communists in the 20th century who put the State before the people and told everybody what they must do for the greater good of their fellow man, so the Gore environmentalists demand that we give up personal luxuries and make sacrifices for the common good. The environmentalist camp seeks untoward amounts of power to alter the economic structure of the nation and the world in a huge way with unknowable consequences

Random site: check out musicovery.com

Title 18. § 1461. Mailing obscene or crime-inciting matter

Pleasant little passage, section 1461. Makes for some fascinating reading, perhaps poetic, what with its repetitive stanzas beginning with "Every", its mini refrains "where, or how, or by whom" and "drug, or medicine, or thing". Until one realizes that this is U.S. law. I'm not sure what the legal status of this law is, though. I wonder if the Supreme Court has made it a de facto anachronism with decisions such as Roe v. Wade. §1461, as written, says that anything "indecent, immoral, obscene, or filthy" is unmailable and makes the sender and receiver subject to fines or imprisonment. Who decides what "article, matter, thing, device, or substance" will fall into the vague list of adjectives the code provides? Until checked by the courts, that is the job of the Judicial Officer for the United States Postal Service. He decides. Perhaps Boticelli's Birth of Venus should be contraband? Or maybe James Patterson's latest bestseller? If you take delivery of a daily paper via USPS, you could even be arrested with your coffee should anything indecent happen in the news.

We are living in a free country. Go back to worrying about the State Children's Health Insurance Program Bush vetoed because "Poor Kids First". What?! Poor kids first? Why on earth does such a motto make the least bit of sense to anyone? Poor kids first? Poor kids equal, I say! Poor kids are important. Rich kids are important. Middle-income kids are important. They are all, together, going to be the future. We should care for all of them. (I am not pushing a health care program here, just a perspective). Why do poor kids have a right to be put first, ahead of kids born to higher-income families? What crime have middle-income kids committed to make them less worthy than the country's poorest kids? Is having two hard-working parents who struggle to put food on the table, and succeed, struggle to put a roof over their children's' heads, and succeed, struggle to buy clothing for their children, and succeed, but have little left over for health insurance suddenly something to be ashamed of? Are these children to be denied health care because of the sweat and dedication of their parent? Can we in good conscious reward the poor, "Poor Kids First", while we punish middle-income kids by making them "Second Class Middle-Income Kids" who can't get into the Poor Kids program, but also can't afford private health insurance like their more fortunate cousins?


Origin of the dollar sign. A mystery. Rand suggests the sign of the dollar $ is the monogram of our country, the U of United superimposed upon the S of States. That sign on the "fat pig-like creature in all the cartoons" is our sign, debased.

Gabe Nevin in Paranoid Park , one of this week's features at the New York Film Festival.

One Session of Hookah May Yield Equivalent of 100 Cigarettes, Says New York Times Report.

But that's just a World Health Organization figure, those leading propaganda artists of our time, and everybody knows not to trust their fuzzy numbers. (see article)

Additions

New York Comedian Judy Gold and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's daughter are both "suffering from Same Sex Attractions" (not to each other, as far as we know).

Not a Bigoted Bone, or, Christian Nation

Much has been heard in recent days about Republican Senator and presidential hopeful John McCain's comments to a Christian group that he would prefer to see a Christian president and that the United States was created by the Founding Fathers as a "Christian Nation." Repeated calls from Jewish and Muslim leaders for McCain to retract the statement have been met with attempts from the McCain camp to "clarify" his meaning and mollify offended non-Christian groups, but fell short of repudiating his statements outright. All of which led me to believe that he meant his remarks literally, and that he is unable to separate Church and State, and properly respect members of different religions. Then I read that (Jewish) Senator Joe Lieberman said of McCain, "I've known him for years and he doesn't have a bigoted bone in his body." That's a pretty strong statement, especially in light of the fact that Lieberman is a democrat and McCain is a Republican, so he isn't merely sticking up for a compatriot along partisan lines. So if I had to reconcile McCain's statement, it seems he really didn't mean any harm by what he said and perhaps doesn't want to prozelytize the nation for Christianity. Nevertheless, he feels that once said, he can't afford to offend Christian groups by retracting the statement.

Out of Context, Issue 2

"I recall this one kid, I condition to shit on sight of me. Then I wash his ass and screw him. It was real tasty. And he was a lovely fella too. And sometimes a subject will burst into boyish tears because he can't keep from ejaculate when you screw him."

from Benway, Naked Lunch. William Burroughs, 1959.

Out of Context: A New Series

Young Castle called me "Scoop." "Good morning, Scoop. What's new in the word game?"
"I might ask the same of you," I replied.
"I'm thinking of calling a general strike of all writers until mankind finally comes to its senses. Would you support it?"
"Do writers have a right to strike? That would be like the policemen or firemen walking out."
"Or the college prfessors."
"Or the college professors," I agreed. I shook my head. "No, I don't think my conscience would let me support a strike like that. When a man becomes a writer, I think he takes on a sacred obligation to produce beauty and enlightenment and comfort at top speed."
"I just can't help thinking what a real shaking up it would give people if, all of a sudden, there were no new books, new plays, new histories, new poems. . . "
"And how proud would you be when people started dying like flys?" I demanded.
"They'd die like mad dogs, I think--snarling and snapping at each other and biting their own tails."
I turned to Castle the elder. "Sir, how does a man die when he's deprived of the consolations of literature?"
"In one of two ways," he said, "petrescence of the heart or atrophy of the nervous system."
"Neither one very pleasant, I expect," I suggested.
"No," said Castle the elder. "For the love of God, both of you, please keep writing."

from A Medical Opinion on the Effects of a Writer's Strike, Cat's Cradle. Kurt Vonnegut, 1963.

Post-Weekend Wanderings

Went out again. Couldn't help it. I didn't go for sex. Was just lonely. Wanted to hang out with someone. I wish it would be just as simple as ringing my boyfriend, or any friend, and taking in a movie together, or just shooting the breeze. But I don't seem to have that, and it's just lonely.

Toured the sunday night scene. There's the famous big party in the packed ballroom with a bit older grungier crowd than the college scene. More committed perhaps. Than there's the somewhat alternative party with the myriad drag queens. The only cute guy there was the promoter's boyfriend who had to tag along though it wasn't his crowd. Was more chilled than the big one. Passed by the location of an old party that had died. R.I.P. And another cool venue whose Sunday nights are dead. Was so empty a quick peek told me not to bother paying the cover. (They are planning a revival in the coming weeks - a new promoter, some gimmicks, but most anyone who's a catch has work or school or something that makes him get up Monday mornings, so Sunday partying is bound to be - different.)

Got home by about 2:30, but started reading and by the time I looked up it was 5:00am and I knew I need to do something about this ridiculous schedule.

Unfinished and Unpromising, Dare I Hope?

Rot. Left to rot, on a bed, in a red brick house
On Lefferts Place where the pigeons fly and dive
And crap. And I got up and saw my heart
Lying in the corner of the room amidst the bird poop,
Moist, with a faint musty smell as of mushrooms stored
A bit too long in the cellar

And lifting my heart from the filth,
I brushed off several multicolored crumbs
Of fruity pebbles and washed it under the fountain
That flowed out from my eyes, and saw

Then picked up my right foot and
Squished it firmly upon my heart, listened
To the splat and pop of the red oozy mush
Spilling out between my toes.

Nashira Lichvodah

My mother came in with tears in her eyes. Why didn't I tell her I wouldn't be home for the night? She was so worried about me. My brothers wondered where I was. What should she tell them? "Next time just call and say you're staying over by a friend's house and you're okay. I won't scream at you, 'Stop doing something that I can't stand.' I just want to know you're okay."

They went on a family outing, visited historic sights with the cousins. I missed it. Sigh. Sorry to have let them down. My mother worries I don't want to be part of the family. That's not it, Ma, I just had stuff to do. I just feel awkward telling them I'm going when I know they hate it. But I guess not knowing is worse and I shouldn't cause additional worry.

I feel empty and hate life and yet, as long as there are cute guys to sleep with and I'm getting action, it is possible to forget and feel okay, if for a short time only. While it may add to the emptiness, it at least fends off encroaching depression.

Of Prurient Ballistics Experts

Gave in and set up email blogging so I could write from home but the service is down temporarily, so here I sit at the local internet caf. Let me tell you about the latest nothings from my nonlife. I was pretty down recently, regretting everything I do and do not do, am and am not. Mostly feeling lonely. I got a couple of phone calls just before, which helped. This will be an exercise in nonlinear stroytelling (a pretty intense concept, I must say - demonstration of social evolution). The two callers couldn't have been more different. The first called as I was getting dressed and I just left my pants around my ankles and answered it; the second called while I was brushing my teeth and I left the toothbrush in my mouth and finished brushing as I answered it. But more about that later.

Broke the guy's no-sex-on-the-first-night-rule. Was kind of afraid that meant it was over. Wondered if it was a bad sign - meant he didn't want to pursue anything long-term or a good sign - he was so overcome with passion that such niceties fell by the wayside. Probably was neither. Just the alcohol.

But before that happened, we were ready to leave the club, and he says he needs to go say goodbye to his friend. He walked back in and I waited a couple of minutes, while some elderly gentleman ogled me. Finally I went back in and waited by the door, when I noticed a really cute boy looking at me. We started talking and were soon on dance floor. Here's the dilemma part. Could I just ditch the first guy like that? Could I give up this chance with the ubercutie? In retrospect, this probs could have been better handled, but I guess the alcohol was clouding my reason.

Then I started getting mixed vibes. He excused himself to the restroom, which is club-slang for giving the slip. Anyhow, I needed a bathroom break myself, so I went with. But instead of heading toward the johns, he goes over to talk to a friend. I played dumb when he walked away from the guy and pointed him toward the bathrooms. We sat down and were chatting (not my forte) when the first guy shows up. When he comes over to me, the second boy gets up and slips away. So I leave with the first, haunted by what could have been, but looking forward to what will be. He is annoyed that I didn't wait for him outside, but pleased that he ended up finding me, so all's well. We picked up a couple of beers at the kwikimart and walked the few blocks to his apartment.

Sukkot of the Mind

I spent all yom tov reading. Finished a vapid little book Boy Girl Boy, and read a few hundred more pages of Atlas Shrugged, a couple of chapters in Naked Lunch, and the daily Sun. Didn't read the Chem or Psych texts I should have.

Went out to a new party in the city. There was actually a line at the door and the crowd looked good. . . session ending in 2 minutes. gotta wrap up.

Remeber the scandal at YU? (one of them anyway)

At our campus, we have a Gay-Straight Alliance type group. I've walked past their room just to get a feel of who's involved. Basically see if there is anyone worth getting to know. It didn't seem like there was. I figured I'd have better luck at the gym, which I did. The problem with a gay-straight alliance such as this is it has no relevance. No direction. Few if any straight guys would go near the place, so even the name is something of a misnomer.

Contrast this with the situation at Israeli universities. Hebrew University has a very successful campus group called the Asiron Ha'acher (the other ten percent). The name suggests that there is a significant minority on campus, and the group strives to get them together. It does. With weekly meetings held in the university's Hillel house, the group fosters a sense of community and belonging and helps build friendships based not only on a sexual orientation but on everything from political views to literary taste. The group doesn't try to pander to the "straightim" on campus. They have a lively set of programs, from lectures to parties, and the group boasts the largest membership of any student organization at the college.

A far cry from the situation in repressed America, where a tiny office coordinates no activities that no one would attend anyway, all with a surprising lack of direction. Which is not to say that this group serves no purpose. There is a handful of people who hang out there instead of getting involved with the wider social life of the college. I can't be sure this is healthy, but it may provide a necessary outlet for some people.

Giuliani pro-Guns?

Amazing that Silver would threaten to withold funding from Columbia for inviting a foreign leader to speak there. The way things worked out, I think it was a pretty educational forum. I mean, we learned so many wonderful facts. Like that there are not gay people in Iran, for example. What an enlightening speech.

What happened to the "ue" from dialog?

I'm running ouit of computer time so this will be cut short.

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate. How comforting a thought as we head toward the bleak, dispiriting, obduracy of winter. (see below for sonnet + explanation)

My absence wasn't intentional; I've been away from blogger-enabled computers for some time. Still am, for the most part. So you know you're not missing out, its just been more of the usual - suicidal ideations, start-of-semester class choosing, the job hunt, the opera. Opera was kind of cool, I live in New York so some of my out of town friends encouraged me to take advantage of the Met. Too bad my potential date never answered his phone.

The job hunt was most depressing. I sent out tons of resumes and got no calls for interviews. I know, it's my fault. I went about the task all wrong. I didn't clearly think it through and decide what kind of job I wanted. In the end I found a cool spot in a university research lab. Probably unpaid, boring lab work, but that's life. It's only short term.

I hit a crisis after graduating. College is too good to give up for something as ethereal as a diploma. So I'm taking a few more classes this semester while I decide where to go next.

P.S. For all those of you who found this page searching for an explanation to Shakepeare's 18th Sonnet, here goes:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
-- William Shakespeare

It was common in Shakespeare's time to compare one's lover to a beautiful and pleasant summer day in praise of their delightful qualities. Shakespeare wants to improve on this cliche. He opens, "shall I compare thee" and answers: No, that comparison would not suffice to do justice to your loveliness, my sweet. Why not? Because "rough winds do shake the buds of May" (early summer is still cold, harsh weather may yet intrude) but you my love are always charming. Later in the season, it becomes too hot, sometimes cloudy or rainy, and then the season fades quickly back into winter.

But thy eternal summer shall never fade. Unlike the shifting seasons, once pleasant, next moment harsh, you, my beautiful muse, writes Shakespeare, shall remain forever untouched and perfect, your grace captured in my poem. This poem has endured hundreds of years and recreates in the reader's mind the beauty of the subject as it did the day it was written. Though the subject has grown old and is by now long dead, "so long lives this (poem) and this gives life to thee (keeps you alive in the minds of men)." This is one of several Shakespearean sonnets composed along the theme of poetry as a means to immortality.

No'ar (Youth)

Isn't Tobey Maguire cute? Ok, so let's throw this out there for the hell of it, 'cause it has to be asked of every celebrity and his grandmother these days - off topic but doesn't "son of a grandmother's uncle" sound like a curse? - Is Tobey Maguire gay? Wait, somebody beat me to it: LeoD and Tobey's bro-job and Spidey Don't Swing Both Ways. I loved how casually he ended up in bed with Robert Downey Jr. in the strangely titled Wonder Boys; he made it look like the most naturally appropriate normal thing in the world.

And now, a word from our sponsor. I mean, the title of the post which often, you may have noticed, bears little relevance to the content of the post. No'ar are Israeli youth. They are a subdivision of Israeli society. I guess it's kind of like what you might call teens in America, but it is so much more.

Got Tenure? Get Attention!

Ilan Pappe and the Israel Boycott. What more is there to say?

Mr. President, We Have a Situation

Doctor, I've noticed that "Friends" has recently started becoming funny. Is this something I should be concerned about?

To Boldly Go

Packindagos always a pretty emotional time for me. 'Tsbeen a great summer, though it hasn't been a big party. Can't quite say I worked my tail off, but I went into the lab every day and put in my time, ran my experiments, made my contribution to science, to my education, to my life...

I went off the pills. Didn't mean to, but I ran out and couldn't replace the stash so now that I went through the tingling shocks and constipation of withdrawal I figure what the heck. I'm not rushing back to them. They may have eased the death wish, but they also quashed the life force so who can say what's best? Truth is, I'm not convinced they actually did anything.

The weekend was party city. Something just went beep beep in the hallway. Something bit my computer. Anyway, the weekend. The megaclubs, the sauna scene, the beach and even the sushi. Way crazy. White city? Try slut city. To put it mildly. But boys will be boys. And life is beautiful. And so not worth it. How come the boys I really want, I don't get and all the others beg at my feet?

Supervisor hasn't returned from vacation, so I'll miss her when I leave. Said my goodbyes, brought in a cake for the lab, went out for dinner with some of the summer students who are left. Back to school is in the air, and I am holding onto summer like my life depends on it. Cause it does. I could hang myself when winter comes. Don't think I will but it is depressing. And if you try to lock me up or stuff me with pills because you are afraid I'm suicidal, I swear I will stick your balls through your eye sockets and make you wish like hell you could die. Now you have another reason to advise me to seek treatment. Oh for Christ's sake, you know I'm kidding.

So, New York, NY. Opportunity, sure. Responsibility, too. To go back undergrad for some bio courses? Where to apply for grad school. How to commit to a project for the length of a Phd?

I made a lot of good friends over the summer. Going back, I don't know. Most of my friends in NY are pretty religous. They wouldn't feel comfortable going out for a drink or a movie. So I don't know what to do, how to spend some quality time. I mean, we could get a coffee and talk. I think I'll do some of that. Must make an extreme effort to be social. Not ball up in a little cave like sometimes happens when I'm home. Oh, it's a tough life. Yah, an easy life is a tough life. I don't know what a hard life is and I don't want to. Though I sometimes suspect that it can't be worse than this. Then I give myself a good hard kick in the shins and remember that it can get a whole lot worse and things are really really good. Then I get depressed again because if this is good, life really sucks.

Feel like you've heard all this before? They called it a heat wave, but I thought the weather was absolutely incredible. I just eat up the heat, remembering cold, wet nights in New York.

The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house
All that cold, cold, wet day.

I sat there with Sally.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, "How I wish
We had something to do!"

Too wet to go out
And too cold to play ball.
So we sat in the house.
We did nothing at all.

Only, it wasn't only the wet days either because you can't go out on the nice days either. Hot isn't fun in shachor lavan. Why can't I fall in love with someone who will return that love?

I always hold everything inside, afraid if I let it out I will get hurt. This isn't paranoia, though it sounds just like it. I almost certainly will get hurt. But maybe that is the price of life. Maybe I've been too careful. Or maybe I'll just F up everything.

This Jewland's been a pleasure. And now I guess it's time to say farewell. Onward ho. Don't look back. Also, don't look forward. And definitely don't look at the present. Not a good idea. So I guess it's - how does William Shatner say it -

To explore strange new worlds
To seek out new life and new civilizations
To blindly go where no man has gone before

Or to boldly go. That could work too.

Homosexuality Gene?

"What if homosexuality is genetic, and has been spread due to widespread rejection socially, thus homosexuals married/procreated? Could this potentially mean that in the future, the acceptance of homosexuality would decrease future homosexual populations?" Covoluted on Digg

How's Your Sense of Smell?

Featured Articles : Neuroscience Gateway: "Male mice lacking TRPC2 court both female and male mice."

US genetics bill

news @ nature.com - US genetics bill blocked again - One-man lobby halts antidiscrimination law.

Legislators rush into action without understanding the issues in another example of preemptive lawmaking. Every company wants to hire the most suitable candidates. They use resumes, interviews, questionnaires, tests, and contact with previous employers as surrogates for the information they seek: Is this person my best candidate? If there is a genetic marker that will provide this information as accurately or more accurately than current methods, is it fair to make companies continue to go the roundabout and inefficient route to picking employees? To answer no is to promote either gross inefficiency and waste on the part of companies using imperfect selection practices or an obscurely random style of welfare that has companies taking on a percentage of unequipped employees because it couldn't use an appropriate filter system.

Do I advocate racially biased hiring practices, then? No, of course not. What has one thing to do with the other? Why is the epithet of "racial discrimination" flung at anyone who believes that the genotype of a human being contributes to his or her phenotype in a way not radically dissimilar to the way the genotype of say, a rat, contributes to its phenotype?

Many school districts use parental income or location as surrogates for race. Banned from overt racial discrimination against Caucasians by law, they give preferential admissions treatment to people from "black neighborhoods" (who often belong to a certain race - can you guess which?). This is just one example of how surrogate measures are obscenely concocted to circumvent anti-discrimination protocols. It is also an example of what any company has to do when hiring: It can't measure competence directly - there is no "employee competence scale" - so it uses surrogate measures. Ultimately, efficient companies will find the most competent employees. So assuming that genetic screening could become a practical tool in employee selection (an unlikely possibility in the near future), this proposed bill will dictate either inefficient selection procedures or lead to not hiring the most suited employees.

Google: An explanation of our search results

Why does a search for "Jew" return so much anti-semitism?

My Hat it has 3 Corners

Thiss sentence has threee errors. (Nelson, 1996)

Psychology Defined

From Politically Incorrect Truths

". . .the human pupil dilates when an individual is exposed to something that she likes. For instance, the pupils of women and infants (but not men) spontaneously dilate when they see babies." Psychology Today

'We have broken speed of light' - Telegraph

'We have broken speed of light' - Telegraph

Latest LinkList

Wired
Tailrank
Textism
ClosetConundrums

Everything's better if you do it on a huge scale, and automate it. - Virgil Griffith

The Economics of Congestion Pricing

Bloomberg's traffic reduction plan has won federal grant money to the tune of $350 million (Daily News). Why they need a federal grant to charge more money is beyond me, but let us examine the logic of congestion pricing as a traffic reduction plan.

Bloomberg argues that a congested city will not attract business as well and this will hurt New York's economy. He therefore proposes a plan to charge tolls for cars and trucks entering the city to reduce the amount of traffic and make the city more appealing.

The catch is obvious: The only way the fee will reduce traffic is if its cost is higher than the cost of sitting in traffic! If people would rather shell out than sit in traffic, the city will be clogged anyway. And if the fee is high enough that it is worse than the traffic, then it will drive people (and business) away faster than grid-lock. So what gives?

Forgot Where This Came From

For He is a Jolly Good Fellow

Who saw the news headline, 4 Dead in Minnesota Bridge Collapse, Toll Likely to Rise? No pun intended, I'm sure.

Summer winding to a close, project deadline approaching. Too soon it will get cold again. And Wake Me Up When September Ends will pulsate through me so violently I'll feel like a plucked guitar string. The longing for those summer days will make me wish I was dead. And it will be a sweet feeling. And then winter will wash over me and make me dead. I'll hibernate. Walk through life unthinking. Unfeeling. Until summer. Until I don't exist. Until I realize that this is existence. That life is like that.

I love movies that make you say, "Life is like that." Books can do it even better sometimes. And even though life isn't like anything. It is nice to see that someone knows what life could be like if it was.

The question mark of next year looms large again, glaring at me from its haughty place above the horizon. So I stare back at it, daring it to make the first move. It won't. Because things happen. Life is like that. Who is John Galt?

Shabbos was relaxing. Eat and sleep and sleep and dream. And stay up late because I slept all day. And wake up early for lab Sunday morning and ride the bus, the legroom-free special, cursing the day until I get back on campus and like magic my mood picks up, a smile lifts my face, and I'm ready to face to day. To go get 'em tiger. I didn't even take a coffee before lunch.

So I've applied for quite a number of jobs for next year, but no one seems to want me. It's like a Groucho Marx kind of situation: I wouldn't want to be a part of any company that would hire me. I only apply to jobs for which I am not qualified. Anyway, better to take it easy for a while. I'll need the time to study for GREs. Maybe take a few extra prereq courses. Working isn't sexy is it? Somehow school seems so much sexier.

Gibberish for Another Day

blithering fuckers
big fat lies
evil conspiracy plot
murderous disgusting hateful

sweet smell of flowers in the garden
hot bodies all gyrating and moving together
hard work and blissful sleep
slacking off and wasting time
late as usual
to call or not to call
consecutive waking hours: 23

More of the Same

Feiticeira's dancing makes gay boys straight.

ra-ra-random

new veoh. good or bad? vermont anti-nudity people. bad.

The Paradox of Murdoch's Bid

That post about the WSJ seemed pretty biased and I just thought I should point out that it was not in the spirit of your usual insistence on honest reporting. Why do you get all worked up about this issue when you remain calm discussing topics from God to War to the Devil to Love or Sprots or Sports or Politics? About this you get worked up?

Well, first, when you put it that way it does seem silly and I'm ready to take back the heat. But the idea is that this brings head to head to issues that I care about. Journalism and Freedom. Only, here those two things that so often go hand in hand collide. Usually, free press operates both in an economic and journalistic sense in that anyone can open up a news media outlet and say what they want independently and people choose what to hear and read and believe. In such a case, the interests of freedom and journalism are served by allowing the invisible hand to move the economy undisturbed.

The problem here is that people trust a news source that has the means, the resources, to deliver great reporting. Another interest wants to takeover the WSJ and the repercussions may be harmful to the quality of future reporting or even introduce bias. So a free market economic system may now damage the free dissemination of information. Government regulation, which usually acts not in the interests of freedom, may in this case operate to protect knowledge and freedom. Paradox.

A List

Masada. Ein Gedi. Dead Sea. Holy Sepulchre. Ναός της Αναστάσεως. Tower of David. Much Tiredness. A coworker came back, so I had to switch workstations. Another left. Went to a better place. In this world. Actually, I don't know if the other place is actually better, but the job title sounds more important. And that's how it is. So my new computer was broken. Had been for months, but no one needed it. It was fixed today. Within 2 hours. It's like that, too. Saw a kid grab a little kitten and chase another kid with it. Then he threw it. Landed about half a foot away from me and ran off. Then another guy marched by with a giant cross and a pack of people singing in Latin. Here come a guy in a black robe. Another one, older, sitting in the corner next to the door holding a fan up in front of his face so you can't see him. Israel finished the ceiling in 2000 because the factions couldn't agree who should do it and the Second Coming was coming. Confessions in English, Hebrew, Arabic, Russian, French, and Greek. Beat that! No head coverings, please. For women, it's okay. But no shorts. Can you perform the Salaat? Sorry, no Jews on the Temple Mount. Here, try some candy. Take my picture. Here, with the white horse. Won't you please give me something for it? Just two shekel? Can you make it 5? Atah hagever!

Wall Street Journal, Dead at 118

Rupert Murdoch advanced today in his bid to destroy. . . er cough cough. . . to buy. . . the Wall Street Journal from Dow Jones & Company after his gangsters, whoops, I meant negotiators, broke enough legs to force, that is, erhrr, secured the agreement of several members of the controlling Bancroft family. News Corp. is expected to pay $5 billion for the leading financial newspaper. (link) Aww, we might as well just read the Springfield Shopper or the USofA Today. btw

Give Up Your Right Arm for Peace

Egyptian and Jordanian ministers visited Israel for high level peace talks today. They promised Israel recognition and normal relations in return for Israeli withdrawal to pre-1967 borders and the creation of an independent Palestinian state within Israel's current borders.

Promising. Great. The question is this: Who are they? Meaning, the point of contention is between Israel and the palestinian refugees, who are supposedly represented by the Palestinian Authority. The neighboring Arab countries really have no say in the matter. Sure they can aid in the negotiations and pressure the Palestinians, but they cannot guarantee Palestinian cooperation, nor can they make deals on their behalf. Furthermore, Hamas maintains its refusal to recognize Israel, despite anything Egypt or Jordan or even the Fatah-led PA emergency cabinet can will say.

The whole thing is a misnomer. It is like Chad or Kenya saying, "We will grant recognition to the refugees in Darfur if they give us a pound of flesh." Even if they desperately wanted recognition and gave up a pound of their flesh, Chadese or Kenyan recognition will not help them because they are being pursued by Sudan. The NYT is hopeful. Probably hopeful that it will be able to use this somehow to make Israel look bad.

I am going to start an organization called GUYRAP? Give up your right arm for peace. It will be a parody of the so-called peace organizations that recommend doing essentially just that, only most of these don't seem to fully appreciate their right arms.

Mall Madness

I was walking through the mall, and this totally hot guy suddenly motions to me and asks, out of the blue, "rotzeh lit'om?" (would you like to taste?) Umm, yaah. Snap back to reality. He's manning a booth selling spices and teas. At some point I made it to the movie theater, loaded with spoiled meat (I didn't know until it was too late), and saw the latest Potter movie. Enjoyed it but was disappointed. You must know what I mean. My "3 weeks" beard is pretty annoying.

John Jacob Jingelheimer Schmidt

Oh, Jakey, you're great. On the way to see Harry Potter 5, he found this gem:

JIM: "So, you excited about HPV?"
ME: "Wait ... let me think of a witty response ...... I have a burning desire to see it!... I've really been itching to see it!... This movie better start or I'm about to turn red!"

What's the rule if a whole room full of people are watching Kong and the soccer championship is on TV? Well, football comes first. Wasn't it obvious?

How about this one. You are using the computer and someone else needs it "for just a minute to check something". Is it impolite to insist he wait until you are finished? What if it is already late at night and he "needs to check it before he goes to sleep"?

Ah, the beauty of economics. Economics? Yes, economics. The study of the allocation of scarce resources among competing needs and desires of individuals and society.

When Literature Goes as Freight

how i wished we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle together and talk and laugh and cry. it wasn't even sex i wanted. just him. i left him a note when i left "bye sexy, thanks 4 the awesome evening" it's the closest i came to letting someone in on my secret, but i could always say it was a joke if questioned wrong about it. actually a french guy in my summer school started hitting on me yesterday. the trouble is, maintaining my self-confidence requires being intimate only with people i really respect and admire - or at least, am truly infatuated with. so if someone isn't really hot, i won't get in bed with them. smart idea, right? problem is, that limits my options. anyway, this parisian dude didn't make the cut. nice guy and all, i said we could just be friends. the whole scene was like something out of a movie.

first i was watching tv, and he kept looking over at me. then i got up to go do my laundry and i knew his eyes were following me. he came into the laundry room and tried feebly to strike up a conversation (remember the laundry scenes in 40 Yeary Old Virgin?)

He asked something about the quantity of clothing i was washing, and i responded something about how often i do laundry and liking to keep my clothing clean. i excused myself to get my detergent from my room, and wasn't surprised to find him still in the laundry room when i returned. it was clear already this was more than standard introductions. so i asked his name and where he came from, what he was studying and for how long he'd been here. the standard questions. At some point he asked:

"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"no... do you"
"no, i'm gay, so i wouldn't have a girlfriend. how old are you?"
"howoldiam. how old are you"
"howoldiam. you know, you're really cute"
"thanks [note: i don't add 'you're really cute too']"
:he leans in for a kiss: :i back off slightly:
"actually, i'm a little confused right now"
"that's ok. do you want to close the door?"
"we can go for a walk and talk about it if you'd like"
:walk outside: :silence:
"so. how did you know?" :smile:
"well, i wasn't sure"
:they walk and talk for a while:
:he tries again for a kiss:
"i don't think we should do this. i've never had a friend who i could discuss my true feelings with and it would be a shame to ruin that by having sex" [question: did this sound like an obvious brushoff? cause it was part of my cheshbon. a big part. though admittedly it wouldn't have mattered if i thought he was mad sexy]
"do you want to just try it?"
"not now." [notice how polite i am]
:more talk:
"you know if we do end up having sex, it will be just for fun. i don't want emotions in it, so no one gets hurt. I don't want to fall in love with you or have you fall in love with me [note: if there was any minute chance of that happening, you just blew it] because you are going back to america after the summer and i will go back to france. under the circumstances, it is not a good idea."
"so basically you're saying 'i don't really like you that much, but i haven't got anything better at the moment...'"
"no, i think you are very cute. it's just the circumstances, you understand"

i did understand. but of course though it seems weird to be so open about that, it is only what i would have wanted from it as well to be honest. he's from paris, i'm from new york. it couldn't work long-term even if i did like him. but the other guy, from my old school. he could be a real option. if only i could feel safe enough to talk to him about it...

What's the Redneck Agenda?

The Blogger site is still in Russian and I can't read a word of it and I can't write titles for my posts. Had to post this, from Alice Zheng:

Most people can't understand

how others can blow their noses

differently than they do.

-- Turgenev

Shabbat Dreams in Your

Amazing Shabbat. Went with a friend, stayed by family, great food, wonderful company, caught up with old friends. One guy I saw Friday night and just couldn't get him out of my head. He is so hot and beautiful, cute and sweet. Just perfect. When he said something about putting on weight since coming to Israel, getting a beer belly (it was clear he had no such thing), I wanted to say, "I saw you when you came and you were damn sexy then and you are fucking hot now!" I just had to see him again. Next night instead of returning home, I went back to see him and spent the night. We went out and played pool (my first time) and then chilled, he cleaned up his room, and we listened to Dave Chappelle. I loved every minute. When I'm with you, everything is perfect. Please don't take this the wrong way. I care about you so much. You inspire me. Now, if only you could know. But of course, there is that old "don't want to mess with a good friendship by making it sexual" thing. And the whole awkwardness of coming out and all, of course.

When he was in his boxers and sitting on his bed and I sat on the bed across from him and got an "upskirt" view of his parts when he shifted in his boxers it was like a lick of Carvel. And I love ice cream. They were beautiful. And I'm usually not a fan of men's privates. Gay or not, I'll be kissing and cuddling and a guy will start taking off his pants, and I'm like whoa Johnny, hold it right there boy. And when I do deal with cock, I'm not one of those "I like big dick and and I cannot lie" type of people. I like 'em pretty. But when I'm really in love with a person and worship him from head to toe, well, those parts are just that many more inches of him to love. Sof kol sof, he has a real nice package.

I had a dream that I got married. I was thinking maybe if I got married we would sleep I Love Lucy style on our own beds because lovemaking is fun when you are awake, but I see no reason why I should have to give up on ever getting a good night's sleep without elbows in my face or my dick in funny places just because I'm married. I'm all for cuddling and stuff. I enjoy that as much as anyone, but there is a time for everything and while I'm sleeping, I prefer you to let me sleep. In peace.

Anyway, back to the dream. So those thoughts (above) may have provoked the dream. My new wife is sleeping on the couch and I approach her and ask why doesn't she come to bed. She is unused to the whole concept of being a wife or even being with a man because she grew up in a haredi home where she never even spoke to boys. So I want to be good to my wife and speak gently and caringly, trying to be there without being pushy. She says she isn't feeling well. After ensuring she is well, I tell her that it would make me happy if she would come up to bed, but she should do whatever she feels is best. I don't remember the name she had but it sounded like Lola or Lila, probably based on the opening paragraph of Nabokov's Lolita.

"But Lola," I said, "can we make a date for tomorrow?" And I must have seen this scene in some movie, she replied, "A date? But Teddy. . . we're married!"
"I know, Lo sweetheart, but I just don't get to see you enough."
"You're right Teddy, with both of us working. . ."

The nice thing about dreams is that they are entertaining like watching a movie, but you get to sleep while you are watching them, you get to direct the action yourself, and when there is a sex scene, you are in it! Dreams are God's gift to mankind.

Beautiful Thing (1996)

Such a beautiful movie. I didn't even know what it was, it was just on TV, and then I noticed the boys were so cute and hoped something would happen betweeen them. As luck would have it, that is exactly what the movie was about!

Religion in the Schools

When we teach the Gettysburg Address or the Declaration of Independence or King's I Have a Dream, we reinforce the message of Creationism. That all men are created equal. Besides the inherent meaninglessness and/or absurdity of the statement, it is a most glaring and blatant violation of the Establishment clause of the Constitution to teach this in public schools. Not only do these works contain the message of Creationism, they promote a specific account of Creation by saying that all men were created Equal. I happen to believe that I was created sugar. And I know at least two people in my school who were created Splenda. My mom was created honey for sure, and Derek Jeter evolved. So what's with created equal, dudes?

Tags Label Topics 3X Fast

Oh my Gpod! What's a Gpod? This was so awesome. I had some of the world's best falafel with amazing ice cream and fantastic company. And then I solved a Tower of Hanoi puzzle in my head. Only level 1, but still cool. Science is cool. People are as interesting as ever. And yes.

When You Get Tagged

See here. Now that's cleared up:

1. I love to travel. Also hate to travel, but there is something magnetic that pulls me on.

2. If all men were created equal, life would be damn boring; don't you think?

3. When I do laundry here, I need to do three wash loads to fill the dryer once.

4. I have a crush on Doron.

5. Sandals, not sneakers or shoes.

6. My limit is two and a half liters of beer. (or equivalent?)

7. I read the Star-Spangled Banner on July 4th and found it wanting.

8. I think Doodle is the shizz. (That's a good thing.)

9. Are you saying I can't count?

10. Ice cream is seasonal, but not how you are thinking it. . .

If you are one of the first eight people to read this and haven't yet been IT, I hereby initiate the process whereby you will find yourself in a position of being yourself tagged.

Someone in Tiajuana Love Me Long Time

Seen on a t-shirt. On the topic:

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment

Why won't Google fucking integrate its websites? Why is it that I can't just click a button from Gmail or GoogleDocs to get iGoogle? Not create a damn pop up window. Not make me type the URL in my address bar. Just transfer me to my homepage. Simple.

I like eat beer for tomatoes. This is a thing.

Hiyeh I'm a Borat. I comeh from a Kazahkstan. I like your titties, yes. Is ok I love your titties? Theya so eh much big eh moneys. We make a sexy fun time, yes?

Too shy to tell you I love you. Know that I do.

That One's Gotta Be Worth a Wank

The site is in Russian today; I guess the last one to use the computer changed the language settings. Beach party for Independence Day. Bar with friends on cheap beer night. Hot boys of MyTown. Crashing by random people. Science on the tongue. A Song for Old Clatterbones. Jewy bitch. What is on your mind? What was? Aww, how sweet! Dumb TV to watch when you are drunk and tired but don't want to go to sleep yet. Stumbling across the street for a water and ice cream, bonus getting to meet some hot boy hanging out at the shop late at night. Not making sense. One of the bonuses of being. Making friends with a girl for the first time this late in life. Step in the [fill in the blank] direction. Getting up early for work when I haven't gotten much sleep at night. Have you ever gone to Jew Camp? Was that a Jewy school? Did you go to Ramaz? Locker room frenzy. Sleazy people. Friendliness. Bliss. God. Heaven. Shit. Random. Up. Power. International. Pride. Love. Death. Words. Flow. Cytometry. Biochemistry. Structural biology. Cell biology. Change. Cartoons. Real live cartoons.

A Quarter of Facebook Users Are Gay

In a recent survey of 200 people conducted by Facebook polling, 25% of male respondents reported having had a crush on another male.

L'hiyot Am Chofshi B'artzenu

hatikvah. still relevant.

btw, is there anything more beautiful (and sometimes heartbreaking) than Israeli youth?

Rough Times for Mr. President

Katzav is being dragged through the mud.
Broken Link of the day.

To Stop Discrimination

School administrators and bureaucrats are so heavily invested in the idea of diversity that they will try an amazing array of policies to get around the ban of the use of race. John Yoo, UCal Berkeley (NYT)

The new US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, in a string of recent decisions, has been steadily eroding American freedoms and expanding the power of federal government. Not surprising, considering he is a Bush appointee.

Notwithstanding, his latest decision was a win for racial equality. In a 5-4 decision, the Court has ruled that schools may not use race as an admissions criteria for public high schools and elementary schools. School disctricts in Seattle and Jefferson County had labeled students "white" "black" or "non-white" and used these values to disadvantage white students in school assignments. In the opinion of the Court, Roberts wrote, "The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race."

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

God Bless America

I just got my grades back for this term and was VERY pleasantly surprised.

Pun Intended?

וירוס איידס מהווה את אחד האיומים הרציניים על המין האנושי

What Happened Over the CHAMSHUSH

Going to the sauna with Adonis himself. Salsa dancing. Eilat. Beaches and shops and coral reefs. Seret: Hasodot. Working. Tired. Seinfeld. Smile. Mood swings. Satisfied. Sleeping on the bus.

If my honesty don't kill me, it sure as hell gon' kill everyone around me.

"So, what did you think of Eilat?"
:shrug: :shrug: "Well, it has you."

"So you might get bored of me in a week?"
"Possibly."
"Then put your pants back on."
"Okay." :slip my underwear on: "Now what are you doing? Oh. Ooh. Mmm. You just told me to get dressed. Ahh. I think I'll take it back off then."

"Come on, do something for me. You think sex works one way?"
"Basically, yah. What I'm in the mood for."

Israel Now: Deja Vu?

Katyushas are falling again in the North. There haven't been any casualties yet, but they did cause some property damage in and around Kiryat Shmona. The IDF is preparing to respond.

Jerusalem smells like burning garbage now.

The Du"ch from Yerusalem: Milchama Ba'ir!

So Shabbat was a party, great people, great food, no pressure. Met an IDF officer who said we are likely in for another war very soon; maybe we'll do Syria this time. Met a family of recent olim and hung out with a bunch of college kids. Joined the war. They are playing haredim versus homo'im. I am on both sides and neither, so it's double the danger, double the fun. The yassams are beating people with sticks and the water cannons are back in action: parade season is here. Wow, there wasn't this much commotion in Tel Aviv and their parade was much more ritzini.

I got to climb to the top of an unfinished apartment building, run around the city like a parkour course, and watch the water cannons blast through fourth story windows and dump broken glass on sleeping babies. Doodle, I finally saw your tapuach signs. This country is awesome.

I got to be mekayem the pasuk of "ki mitziyon tetzei torah" for real when I was asked a halakhic question at work and asked a rabbi in yerusalem on shabbat and returned to home with the answer.

Learned to play poker.

The news spent most of its time on Retzuat Aza, every so often they'd say "Surya", and twice an hour they'd cut to Jerusalem and the haredi riots. Just the riots, mind you, never the violent police response. Israeli news is so simple. The female news anchor is gorgeous, but a poor reporter. Then again, I guess that's all you need. Out.

Happy Hour With a Purpose

What a brilliant concept: Thursday after work is happy hour. In the lobby. Free beer and refreshments celebrate a week well done. Scientists from the various labs in the building gather and discuss their work, fostering a spirit of friendship, happiness, familiarity, and loyalty, and providing a framework for interdisciplinary collaboration in a casual setting.

Gmail Address Book

This is me being angry at Gmail for its poor handling of contacts. Normally, you write a message, click contacts, and your adress book pops up so you can click on whoever you want to send your email to. But not in gmail. In order to use your adress book to address a mesage, you must first go to the address book and then type your message. Has anyone else noticed this oversight or am I the only fool who hasn't figured out how to do it yet?

Remember to import your gmail contacts to facebook.

Oops, I Did It Again

stop codons on 288c ethidium bromide gel pcr reactions nil1p beach soccer does this sound like one of those random strings of words you get in your spam mail do you ever wonder why they do that beautiful weather incredible trees and grass and sun air conditioning cafeteria food that tastes good sabbath plans party bye

Tel Aviv Billabong

Tel Aviv Pride: So I get to Tel Aviv, and hail a sherut to kikar Rabin. The drivers are scared to go anywhere in the city center because the parade street closings have created crazy traffic. The parade had moved on by the time I arrived, so I hailed a taxi and asked him to drive to the mitz'ad. He pretended not to have heard of it! This is a taxi driver who suffered traffic all day. You couldn't be in Tel Aviv and not hear of it - 1/5 of the whole city was there. So I guess he was anti-gay and just refused to drive me there.

Finally caught up with them at choff gordon (Gordon Beach). Partied on the beach, then had fun watching people's reactions as we walked around the streets kissing. Friends, don't try this in Jerusalem.

Whatcha Mean'm We, Kemo Sabe

Gene splicing and regulatory pathways anyone? What fun! Putting things in test tubes and taking them out again. Measuring them, mixing them, reading about them...

Beautiful campus, great people, learning a lot, shocking everyone with my unorthodox background - I am a lone psych major in a hard science universe - affirmation of life.

Last Month GQ Said Gays Make Great Bosses

My award-winning fashion sense received an honorable mention in Shopstyle.com's Set The Trend 2007 virtual fashion contest. Take that, Details! (Details magazine just ran an article questioning the notion that has taken hold of gay men as style-savvy. Of course not all gay men are but it's still more common than by the common folks.)

Crossing the Atlantic

Mon: finish school
Tues: planned to pack, never got around to it, got a haircut at Cutler from James - real cutie
Wed: rushing to pack everything before i miss my flight while my mother is completely nervous and trying to help by not getting in the way but she really would like to be actively helping, flight
Thurs: arrive, meet the group, soccer, Ocean's 13 (before it even came out in US!)
Fri: meet the prof, tour the lab, tel aviv pride parade after-party at gordon beach, sabbath meal at prof's house.
Sat: synagogue, kidush, shiur for teens and young adults about premarital sex, lunch at a really nice guy who randomly invited me out of the goodness of his heart, frisbee on the lawn, nap, read up on molecular biology, met my roommate's really cute brother who stopped by our dorm, updated my blog

Wow, stuff actually happened this week.

Just Ask Yourself: What Would Ashton Kutcher Do?

It's official. Last final is in the past and my flight is days away. Now I just need some serious sleep. And I really must pack. And clean my room. Check out one of my all-time favorite poems, by William Cartwright on platonic love. I can't believe I took my finals going on about 2 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I hope my essays didn't come out sounding as hopeless as my last blog post. Oh, don't be silly Ted: you aced 'em! Fasshiz

I Don't Need to be Doing This Now

Sorry I haven't been updating much lately; I'm behind filter software at home and school. Finishing up the last of my finals and set to begin a summer job next week. It's raining. Pretty rain. Quiet as only a rainy morning can be. I read Kurt Vonnegut's A Man Without a Country. A long rant about everything on his mind. Today's politics, the past, the future. My mother just woke up and was shocked to see me up this early. Not in a good way. She's worried as usual. She said she feels like I am ripping out her heart. I feel bad, but helpless. It was just a bout of insomnia. Likely brought on by staying up all night last night. And sleeping a good part of the day. My life is so sorry. So I go clubbing at night till late and wake up late. It's so nice to be on vacation (or is the word 'unemployed'?) and yet so lonely. And it isn't even really vacation yet. Classes are over but we still have finals coming up. My summer job starts next week. My mother is so worried how I'll be able to get up in time for work considering I've been waking up after 10:00am pretty consistently and I'll have to improve on that by several hours. She offered to call the shrink and see if more meds might help. Who knows. If I seem discombobulated and out of character in this post, it's because I am. The Aussie's friends are in DC for the day and he asked me to drop by. And Long Branch and Manhattan and the Bronx. George on Seinfeld - his parents lived in Queens. And I'm flying. You don't believe me. In an airplane, I meant. Very soon. To another country. I've been up all night. Am I not making sense? Ever heard of Jonah? Someone just told me they don't believe the Jonah story because whales have filters in their throats that would not admit a human being. I figure there could be a whale with a holy filter. Anyway there is also a cult for Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. Some people might take offense at the cult labeling and perhaps rightfully so. These people sound sincere and there is truth and encouragement in a lot of what they have to say. But there is that feeling, you know?

Public Bathrooms

So I'm in this restroom at this store with mirrored floors, and I notice that you can look at the guy in the stall next door in the mirrored floor. Weird.

Everybody Likes a Festschrift

Writing from the Apple store in Manhattan 5th Ave and 59th St. Great place. Free inernet. Exciting atmosphere.

Feel free to check out the looks I put together at Shopstyle.com (http://www.shopstyle.com/page/BrowseStylebooks?searchString=teddydouglas). Cool site.

Congratulations to all the recent and upcoming graduates!

NY Driving Tips

Most of us are familiar with the traffic light. The color of the light signals when we may drive (green light, go) and when we must stop (red light, stop). But what many tourists quickly learn is that in New York, the traffic light is an audio-visual experience. Relative quiet together with a red light means stop, and noisy honking signals an upcoming green and warns you to prepare to hit the gas.

Where Are All the People?

We did another experiment in lab. It was awful. You stare at the screen and watch little dots appear and disappear. And the monitors have low refresh rates. Not everyone is affected by this, but anything under 75 hz or so bothers me; it looks like the whole screen is flickering.

It's finals season. Classes are winding down it is time to severely hit the books. Incidentally, the weather has been gorgeous and I'd rather be outdoors. I bought a necklace at Guess in the mall, then looked up the piece online when I got home and found it was missing one of the charms. I ordered a new one from Amazon and plan to go back and return the broken one. When I paid in the store, they were training a new rep so it took her forever to ring up the sale. Then she tried to wrap it up and just ended up with a ball of wrapping paper. The saleswoman asked if it was a gift and I almost felt guilty saying no.

Spoke to my mother about my plans for next year. I still don't have any. Work or learn or both, I don't know and it scares me to think about it. One thing I probably will be doing is applying to schools. Actually, just applying. In general. If anyone asks what I am doing next year, I'm applying.

"Applying to what?"

"Doesn't matter; I'm applying."

Either for jobs or for schools or simply applying myself to whatever I'm doing. Like now, I'm applying myself to blabbering.

I finally finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha. Good book; made me think a little. I love Amazon.com. I preordered Harry Potter 7. Don't know if I plan to read it, but I'm sure someone in my family will want to. The book is already a bestseller and it won't be out for over 2 months.

I read a curious little article in the New York Times recently from a book reviewer about the pleasures of reading bad books, so I thought I'd give it a try reading books even if they haven't withstood the test of time and emerged as classics. Makes sense: how will you learn to evaluate books if you only read a certain kind? You won't be able to make the necessary contrasts if you don't have what to contrast with. I haven't yet chosen my first bad book to read. Suggestions welcome. Bad books that are worth it, anyone?

Uncomfortable to Talk About It

I had a lot of fun with the go-go boys at a club in the city the other night. I was so shy, it's funny. Some guy who was talking to me handed me a dollar bill and said to go stick it in the boy's underwear. It was so awkward at first, but fun. You get to feel up the boys and watch them dance on the bar in front of your face. Several people offered to take me home but I declined. I didn't kiss anyone or have sex or anything. Just dancing and touching, so I think that's safe. I don't feel good about it, but then, I don't feel good about much in general so I don't know.

I was very shy, just like standing around, walking around, and people came over to me and said I looked cute and stuff, but I wasn't really interested in most of them. And when I saw someone who was hot, my heart stopped and all I could do was stare and I didn't have the courage to go flirt with him. So I was left in a pretty messed up situation.

Computers are the Enemy

I couldn't comment directly because of the spam robot test letters which I couldn't see, so I'll put it in a trackback:

Wow, there really is a place where all the boys look like abercrombie models? Aw well, you'll have fun in Brooklyn. It is too bad he'll be Kenny not Cody or Bryce.

pic from Eyecatcher

A Response to Drazen

Has the Court Been Practicing Medicine?

In a recent editorial in the New England Journal of Medicine, Dr. Drazen chastises the Supreme Court for meddling in affairs which he believes should be discussed and decided by "informed and knowledgeable people who are acting in the best interests of a specific patient" and not by blanket rules created by government and regulated by the courts.

Dr. Drazen points out the "disastrous consequences of congressional interference in the case of Terry Schiavo" (namely, that Schiavo's death may have been delayed) and bemoans the Supreme Court's decision in Gonzalez v. Carhart as an unfortunate foray by the courts into the realm of medical practice.

A careful examination of the Court's decision, however, reveals that it did take into account the physician's discretion and the best interests of the individual patient. The Court merely upheld a congressional ruling that once the head or at least half the body of a baby has been delivered, it too is a patient whose best interests the physician must also have in mind. The Court is not telling doctors how to practice medicine; it is performing its duty as set forth in the Constitution, to interpret the law and promote the general welfare.

While it would be unfortunate if this decision became a precedent for more intrusive invasions of government into medical practice, this decision seems confined to a very specific interest in preserving the life of our country's newest citizens. Doctors' practice of medicine remains, as of this ruling, outside the scope of judicial interference.

Dangers of Alcohol

Alcohol Warning Video

Today I woke up late as usual. No I wasn't drinking, it would interact with the antidepressants. Just stayed up late reading. Yesterday, when I went to the gym there was a swim meet at the pool which ended just as I finished my workout so the locker room was filled with boys in speedos and less. Hot.

I confronted my professor about an ethics violation in one of his experiments. He shrugged it off. I'm thinking of reporting it, but don't want trouble.

Jakey

Poor Jakey, he's had a rough time. I wish I could make it all better. Good luck with your move!

Pink

Oh yeah, and pink is in. I've been getting this feeling more and more the past few days as I walked the streets of Manhattan. Everybody's doing it. A guy used to have to "pull off" pink. Now, it isn't even fashion, it has almost become the norm. You almost have to have a reason not to wear it. Today, the NYT wrote about it.

I Missed Charlie Bartlett at Tribeca

So I went to a lag ba'omer bonfire last night, but I quickly forgot about the fire as I became deeply engrossed in conversation with a really cute guy I met there. I am usually too shy to go over and introduce myself to someone I am interested in, so it was a real Rashbi miracle that he came over to me. I was in heaven.

After they put out the fire, the little kids, full of energy at half past midnight, began playing with the charred wood and lighter fluid. They had a blast lighting little fires and beating each other with brooms. Does Fisher-Price know how much fun kids can have with this stuff?

Today, I made up a menu for the week's dinners. My little bro complained about some of the more exotic dishes, but tonight went over pretty well.

Lag Ba'omer Sameach

It is Shabbat Across America weekend, beginning tonight. Contact your local synagogue (call before sundown or just walk in) to find out how you can participate. Saturday night is Lag Ba'omer, traditionally celebrated by songs, bonfires, bow and arrow competitions, visits to Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai's grave site in Meron, and young boys' first haircut.

Speaking of haircuts, I just got mine at Laicale. It came out pretty good, but I still have to see what it'll look like after a shower. The music there was odd, but the service was pleasant.

Do I Worry Too Much? Or Not Enough?

Am I too paranoid? Do I need recognition from others to bolster my lacking self-esteem?

Areas to increase my proficiency for my Resume:

Get more specialized computer education.
Research experience in basic sciences. (Check: upcoming summer job.)
Publish. (Ideas: letter to editor, submit articles to mags, small newspapers, etc.)Trouble is, we don't have local newspapers of value in New York; all people read are the giants New York Times, etc.
Study for GRE, LSAT

Diagnosing Yourself and Others

So now, I got a new diagnosis. I am so excited by all these wonderful disorders I have! It's cool. If you haven't tried it yet, you should try to have a disorder sometime. Personality disorders are pretty easy, so I recommend you try one of those if you are just starting out.

Car Accidents as a Way of Life

I was just leaving my psychologist's office. I started pulling out of a parking space, when a large white van bumped into my car. The other driver and I got out and surveyed the damage, which b"h wasn't too great. He immediately claimed my blinkers were off, so he didn't know I was pulling out. I said they were on, and anyway, he should have been watching the road. My car isn't so small that he wouldn't have seen it without blinkers. And, anyway, I am pretty sure my blinkers were on.

So he hit me. I should have seen him coming, but someone must have tilted my mirror while I was out so I didn't realize but I was partly blinded so I didn't see him coming.

And so, there are two sides to every story. But moreover, there are two sides because it is a story. What really happened? Who is at fault? Do we need fault and blame?

It is funny. As soon as he began saying to witnesses that my blinkers were off, I knew it almost didn't pay to argue. He had implanted the memory within their minds because they didn't notice blinkers one way or the other, they were busy minding their own business. Whatever. Doesn't matter. The damage was minimal. But this happens every day on a larger scale with more at stake and it kills people and destroys the world that tragedy and fighting always continue on and on.

It would make a great story because you could say I am on antidepressants and feeling reckless and suicidal and was in a heightened emotional state and am disturbed because I was at the shrink. Be great reality TV. Or one of those "high profile" cases. "Gay Icon Teddy Douglas Blindsided by Unidentified Motorist"

Trouble in Paradise

Tensions are rising in the Israeli suburban town of Ramat Beit Shemesh between English-speaking immigrants and haredi Israelis.

"A group of teenagers were on their way home from an Independence Day celebration last week in the largely Anglo enclave of Ramat Beit Shemesh when they were pelted with eggs and tomatoes." (cross-currents, haaretz)

Very distressing to hear. Very painful.

What if Israel Relaxed the Draft?

I have to agree with a fabulous point the Real Adiel made about the secular Israeli government's approach to Haredim. Israel has a draft. Every 18 year old male citizen must serve in the army. However, the ultra-religious refuse to serve because of religious concerns and use "dchuyot" and "peturim" (deferment and exemptions) lehitchamek (to escape) their service. This is a sore point among secular Israelis who accuse the religious of disloyalty.

The Real Adiel points out that if the government would stop insisting on drafting the religious, they could integrate them in other ways to become a healthy constructive part of society. The current situation hurts everyone. The religious won't serve in the army anyway, but the current means of escaping army service often preclude their ability to get an education and a job. If the government would allow for unpunished conscientious objection, the country would benefit from the talents of the religious, albeit not in the military.

Would Israel really suffer if it relaxed the draft? Most Israelis I've spoken to made their own decision about army service. They all got drafted. Some chose to serve, while others used various means to dodge the call. Many feel it is a duty, honor, and privilege to serve and protect their country. Others feel that joining the IDF threatens their religious identity and morals. Conscription is not such a great factor. It may be time for Israel to experiment with relaxing the draft. This can also have a huge positive impact on immigration, because many are afraid to make aliyah knowing they will have to send their kids to the army.