Looking for People to Complete Me

Can anyone truly believe that cellar door is more beautiful than a humped convolvulus rearing its dragon head from an icy lake?

So here I am typing on a tiny virtual keyboard and once again pondering the big real questions. Is this life worth living? Do I can I will I mean something? Will I find love or happiness?

My father bought a new car. Well a used car, but anyway an additional car. Since my brother started dating he's been hogging the car and now he's engaged, when he gets married I guess he might take it altogether. So when my father let me take the new car out the other night I thought it was a major milestone. I thought he had done some thinking and realized I'm not a little kid anymore and he was ok letting me go out at night. I thought maybe he was done with causing me the pain of having to brave the cold and waste my time with the subways late at night. When I need to go out I need it and go. I was always hurt by the way they held the car over me like that. I thought maybe this could be a turning point, like we could maybe sit down now that we respect each other as adults and come to terms with me and what I go through and especially my sexuality. But then I got a frantic hysterical text message from my father that "it's 3am where are you with my car?" And I shrunk back into my shell. He's still not ready to relate to me straight and I don't want to relate to him at all if it's under those unfair terms. So when I came home avoided my parents, didn't talk to them.

Then as my mother was going upstairs she asked me not to use the stove right now because she had just cleaned it and was too tired to do it again. I said, "oh u just don't like me. The first thing u said to me today was 'don't'." She pointed out that i had ignored her, and to her that's just as bad. I just said "you're right, i'm sorry" but i could have said i didn't talk to you because I just don't like to hear 'don't' all the time.

Anyway where was I out so late? Went to the club, found a guy, gave him a ride home, he asked me up, he wanted to fuck me, he couldn't get hard enough, so i didn't even have to tell him no and it was great cuz it was just how I wanted it, I got to play as if I was gonna let him
without having to stop him and say no and even better since he feels like it's his fault, like he owes me something. Does this make me an evil person?

Recently watched movies: YPF, Shortbus, a documentary about Alfred Kinsey, Save Me, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I'm thinking of how great it is what I had with the guy I'm seeing (if you can call it that, we went out twice) but that it is not complete. And can there ever be one person to complete me? Thinking of my friendlessness (real or imagined) and how I always go out alone and sometimes hook up when all I want is a hug and a conversation and acceptance.

I was out the other night and there were three guys in the bar that caught my attention. One of them I've had (would like to do so again, but he doesn't seem into it. However, having done it takes the edge off the unbridled lust), one was hitting on me, and suddenly all that interests me is the third. (Not that I didn't have a good time with bachelor number 2) But I always want more, want what I can't have. Or am too timid to ask for... Okay, so I'm evil. I'm Haman, second to the king, who owns the world, but wants to have that one cute guy who refuses to bend over for him.

And why am I running around with all these people? Two friends packed off to Florida, another's busy with finals, another's in Israel. Everybody left, I feel so alone so that's what happens. I go looking for people.

People, Plans, Potatoes, and Perplex

So we relived the Jewish absquatulation from Egypt. We blessed the Sun, not the Son. We let the Christians bless the Son. We've put up with everything (everything meaning my gym) being closed while the Son is resurrected. Or in memory of the resurrection, may it come speedily in our days. Lent is over, the countdown to Pentecost is begun, after which the holy spirit will fall upon the Apostles, but never upon the Apostates--and it is curious how those two words are linked--and Moses will come down from mountain bearing two brilliant tablets and he will throw them to the ground and shatter them for his nation will have sinned with the Golden Calf. And then he will climb back up the mountain, but I digress.

I've met some great great people through that weekend, and hope to build several friendships with people I met there. But I'm not where they are at all. They are fighting hard to break their homosexual attractions. They are working to understand and/or explain away that part of them. They want to make it go away.

Their voyage is one of self discovery, of pain, of endurance, of courage. My journey has been one of pleasure, existentialism, and fantasy, of settling for what comes easily, what comes naturally. Who's right? I don't know. Or I'm not ready to say I know. And there may not be one right answer for everybody.

I'm thinking about doing the therapy thing again. I met some people who feel it helped them. My experience hasn't been as positive, but I'm at a different place now.

Tonight was pretty amazing. Got a massage, but that was silly and of little value. The things should have warning stickers that say: This is nonsense. Anyway, I met this guy for the third time. This time we went to his place. It was exciting. So much fun. I'm still a little confused about how that whole thing is going. Where it is going, more like. And I wish he didn't smoke. But all in all, it's good times!

I spoke to the guy from LA who's with his family in Florida. Sometimes it seems everybody's traveling but me. Another friend just went to Orlando for the weekend, too. I'm just rambling now about the human contact I've had lately, trying to convince myself I have friends. Maybe one day I will. :) I spoke to him, and him, and maybe we'll get together tomorrow for some golf. Or maybe I'll go with my family to a museum. I should also call her. She's awesome. We should hang out some more. And maybe I'll get in touch with "the kitchen guy" and the other one who wrote the book. And that friend who's apartment searching. Omg, and the one who went to Israel for the holidays. Man, if I kept up with all the people I'm supposed to be keeping up with it would be a full time job.

But then I ask myself, do I care? Do I care about these people. I'm too tired to continue this post right now. It's some food for thought. And food is good cuz it's Pesach (Passover) and satisfying food is hard to come by. Matzo seems to blow up your stomach and make you fat without feeling completely satisfying. Over and out.

Oh, P.S. Observe and Report is the worst movie ever.

Beautiful Thing (1996)

Such a beautiful movie. I didn't even know what it was, it was just on TV, and then I noticed the boys were so cute and hoped something would happen betweeen them. As luck would have it, that is exactly what the movie was about!

The Hidden Costs of DVD

Remember the good old days when you popped a VHS into your TV and fast-forwarded to the beginning of the movie? Now you have to wait for the DVD to go at its own leisurely pace until you get to watch your movie which you paid $15.00 for.

It was supposed to be that TV was ad supported and free, but movies you pay for the privilege of watching ad-free. Now we pay and get bombarded with ads. The movie companies don't like us, do they?

I started watching Memoirs of a Geisha after I read the book, and it was so bad I had to stop. It is so melodramatic and unrealistic. The book was very touching and real. It was about a young girl and her life. It was about beauty and oppression and strength. The movie just rips all of that away and leaves you with random camera angles, poor lighting, and bad directing. (Disclaimer: I didn't see the whole thing. It was so bad, I couldn't watch it. There is that odd chance it gets better later.)

Disturbia was decent. Not worth all the hype its got, but ok. The first scene had me saying, "No, no, bad idea. I was thinking scary but not sad and sick." But it turned out ok.

There is a tendency in some movies to take a good looking actor and mangle his face in the first scene (think Lucky Number Sleven), but they let Shia LeBeouf keep his cute looks after the crash, so it was alright. There was one scene, when he looks into the car at his father, where he looks just like a young George Bush. Anyone notice that?

Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005)

Mr and Mrs. Smith: Two thumbs up. Not really meaningful in a permanent way, but it doesn't try to be or apologize for that. It's fun. It doesn't answer it's questions, but they are minor and don't bug you the whole time. The movie isn't a "things that make you go huh" like so many movies are. I can't tell you how many times I sat through a movie where half the time I was thinking, "Huh? What's going on here? What's the point?" But Mr and Mrs. Smith was straightforward, cool, and classic. It basically distinguishes itself by not trying stupidly to distinguish itself. Lots of guns, the necessary car chase. PG-13, bring the whole family. With Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie. Fast fact: Jolie's character, Jane Smith, says she's Jewish (oh, and that she's done 312 men. Some were 2 at a time).

And now, it's time for some sleep. G'night.

P.S. Did you ever notice that some magazines drop the period after Mr. and Mrs.?

Some Random Stuff From My Life

Shabbos was great. Friday night we made a meal in the dira, and I had a really cute guy from Florida sleep over in my room. He was a cousin of a cousin of another guy in the dira and was in the neigborhood visiting his grandparents and needed a place to stay. My roommate was away and I was more than happy to oblige. Next day I ate at a cousin and then went to visit a friend nearby. Saturday night I was introduced to Family Guy, but did not get hooked. I also saw The Last Kiss and The Departed. Not major breakthroughs but entertaining, both. Dicaprio was better than Damon in The Departed, though I'm usually a big Matt Damon fan.