Monday, April 20, 2009

Looking for People to Complete Me

Can anyone truly believe that cellar door is more beautiful than a humped convolvulus rearing its dragon head from an icy lake?

So here I am typing on a tiny virtual keyboard and once again pondering the big real questions. Is this life worth living? Do I can I will I mean something? Will I find love or happiness?

My father bought a new car. Well a used car, but anyway an additional car. Since my brother started dating he's been hogging the car and now he's engaged, when he gets married I guess he might take it altogether. So when my father let me take the new car out the other night I thought it was a major milestone. I thought he had done some thinking and realized I'm not a little kid anymore and he was ok letting me go out at night. I thought maybe he was done with causing me the pain of having to brave the cold and waste my time with the subways late at night. When I need to go out I need it and go. I was always hurt by the way they held the car over me like that. I thought maybe this could be a turning point, like we could maybe sit down now that we respect each other as adults and come to terms with me and what I go through and especially my sexuality. But then I got a frantic hysterical text message from my father that "it's 3am where are you with my car?" And I shrunk back into my shell. He's still not ready to relate to me straight and I don't want to relate to him at all if it's under those unfair terms. So when I came home avoided my parents, didn't talk to them.

Then as my mother was going upstairs she asked me not to use the stove right now because she had just cleaned it and was too tired to do it again. I said, "oh u just don't like me. The first thing u said to me today was 'don't'." She pointed out that i had ignored her, and to her that's just as bad. I just said "you're right, i'm sorry" but i could have said i didn't talk to you because I just don't like to hear 'don't' all the time.

Anyway where was I out so late? Went to the club, found a guy, gave him a ride home, he asked me up, he wanted to fuck me, he couldn't get hard enough, so i didn't even have to tell him no and it was great cuz it was just how I wanted it, I got to play as if I was gonna let him
without having to stop him and say no and even better since he feels like it's his fault, like he owes me something. Does this make me an evil person?

Recently watched movies: YPF, Shortbus, a documentary about Alfred Kinsey, Save Me, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I'm thinking of how great it is what I had with the guy I'm seeing (if you can call it that, we went out twice) but that it is not complete. And can there ever be one person to complete me? Thinking of my friendlessness (real or imagined) and how I always go out alone and sometimes hook up when all I want is a hug and a conversation and acceptance.

I was out the other night and there were three guys in the bar that caught my attention. One of them I've had (would like to do so again, but he doesn't seem into it. However, having done it takes the edge off the unbridled lust), one was hitting on me, and suddenly all that interests me is the third. (Not that I didn't have a good time with bachelor number 2) But I always want more, want what I can't have. Or am too timid to ask for... Okay, so I'm evil. I'm Haman, second to the king, who owns the world, but wants to have that one cute guy who refuses to bend over for him.

And why am I running around with all these people? Two friends packed off to Florida, another's busy with finals, another's in Israel. Everybody left, I feel so alone so that's what happens. I go looking for people.

No comments: