Sunday, October 21, 2007

Dumbledore: I'm Not Gay, Sues Rowling for $70mil

New York - In a daring move yesterday evening, lawyers for Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore filed a defamation suit against author J.K. Rowling in New York Supreme Court. The lawsuit came just hours after Rowling told a capacity crowd at Carnegie Hall that Dumbledore is gay. Rowling, author of the well known Harry Potter series and creator of Albus Dumbledore, told reporters she was shocked by the lawsuit. In later comments, Rowling said she would consider offering to pay for Dumbledore to receive conversion therapy if he is unhappy with his sexual orientation, but insisted that a gay headmaster could be a good role model for his students, "especially the cute ones," she added mischievously.

"We felt that this type of aspersion was something we had to act on immediately," said Derius Farmsworth, head of Farmsworth, Bermer & Fleur, and Dumbledore's chief legal counsel. Since Dumbledore's legal troubles with the Ministry of Magic began several years ago, the headmaster has maintained ties with the law firm. "We believe that Ms. Rowling's comments were libelous, inflammatory, and simply untrue. We hope the courts will help us undo the damage done to Dumbledore's reputation," added Tormary Bermer.

When reached for comment in his office at Hogwarts, Dumbledore's only response was a brusque, "I'm not gay." Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry released an official statement this morning to its parent body. The statement, signed by 27 of their 32 teachers and sent by owl mail, assured parents that they accept Dumbledore at his word but will be careful. "We are proud to stand behind the illustrious personage of Albus Dumbledore in this trying time. We have no reason to believe Ms. Rowling's disgusting insinuation of sexual misconduct, however we are taking precautionary measures to ensure that student safety is our first concern," reads an excerpt from the statement.

Our Hogwarts correspondent spoke with several teachers at the school. Professor McGonagall insisted that even if Dumbledore is gay, there is no reason to assume misconduct and she would recommend to the board that he continue in the role of Hogwarts headmaster. Professor Slughorn insisted he "knew" that Dumbledore could not be gay, and then blushed and would offer no further comment. Severus Snape insisted that he has had reasons to question Dumbledore's sexuality before Rowling outed him and that, "I'm not just talking about his obvious crush on Potter." Professor Snape refused to sign the school's statement and called for Dumbledore's resignation. "Don't think I'm homophobic, I simply believe that it is not in the best interests of our student body to have Albus as headmaster in light of the current situation," Snape added.

The Ministry of Magic could not be reached for official comment, however an unnamed source from within the ministry told us, "We are investigating." Lucius Malfoy demanded action against Dumbledore, "I'm afraid for my son. Who knows what vile acts that faggot headmaster made him do." Harry Potter has eluded the press since the incident became public. Hermione Granger of the Dept. of Magical Law Enforcement told reporters for the Daily Prophet, "It is not a crime to be gay. It is a crime to attribute homosexuality in calumny. We will be watching these developments very closely."

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

excellent.

Teddy Douglas said...

Thanks! Sometimes I wonder where she got the chutzpah of suddenly deciding ex post facto that he's gay after keeping silent through 10 years and 4000+ pages. If she wanted to make a gay character, she could have written a in a gay character. But she didn't.

And all these gay groups who are praising her and the reactionary parents who are parents who are complaining about gay characters in children's books: They should all be ashamed of themselves for their ridiculous behaviour.

And yes, I put a U in behaviour,'cuz I think that's cool.

Teddy Douglas said...

A big thank you to whoever linked me in the Wikipedia article on Dumbledore. This short almost became fan-fic canon (until the Wiki regulars took it down).

However, maybe this warrants a closer look at what ownership JK retains on the fictional world she created. There is a halakhic opinion rendered in regard to a specific instance in which Maimonides retracted in a letter something he'd earlier published and many poskim hold his original published opinion as canon and give the later retraction lesser weight. Sometimes, a book takes on a life of its own that is greater than the author.

Lilia Anya Lee said...

Heyy,

Loved it! I do detest JK for outing him, I agree, if she wanted to out him, she should have done that in the beginning ...

Thanks for that

Hermionerules! said...

Hello!!!-Wake up! Dumbledore is a fictional character. I love Harry Potter too, but you have to remember that this is the real world!

Nadia said...

*headslap* I don't know if to laugh at your creativity, or slam by head against a wall I actually found this by an add in a HP site.

I do wonder how much of this is actually homophobic propaganda, as some times edges towards that. In that case, the comments from McGonagall and Hermione balance it out a bit. But, really. The school sending a memo, I don't know if that's supposed to be funny or sad.

...On the other hand, the whole idea of suing and difamation... is a bit too American for my taste.

Hey, I am all for Rowling outting him in the books. I guess she wanted to be polemic but didn't have the guts... or worse yet, was ill-advised against it.

But as far as the book having life of its own, you are absolutely right. Rowling outted Dumbledore, but I still think she should have outted Draco instead.

Teddy Douglas said...

Hey, thanks for reading. I assure you none of what I wrote is intended as homophobic propaganda! I tried to imagine how the scene might play out in Potter-land if a wizard made such an accusation. And it kind of came out as a satire of the way Americans often do react to such things, with lawsuits and FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Anonymous said...

Simply awesome!

dennis said...

yeah throw it back at rowling. she should eat her words. dumbledore was so not gay

Anonymous said...

This could've happened. Definitely. xD

FievelJ said...

More or less, that slowly began to be more obvious as the movies went.
Albus did not strike me as someone who was very interested in women.
Sure, he did keep an eye on Harry,, a close one at that. But he wanted to be sure Harry was alright, and well protected. Since that he knows Harry will eventually have to confront Voldemort alone again, he did his best, to train him up for that. Eventually, Harry takes the full force of the killing curse, cast by Snape.

I never truly got the impression however, when it came to Albus Dumbledore, that he was suppose to be straight. She even placed it in once, Ron and Harry having that little kind of tickle about each other. But it was only little references, and not meant to point to Harry or Ron as being gay.
As a child, I saw many boys my own age fooling with each other. It's just one of those things, some boys play a little as they grow up. Some, don't wanna quit playing.
The average teenager, ends up going after the female. A few don't, so they're gay.

Someone writing this about Albus Dumbledore, is no surprise.
Inspired by JK, they thought it would be fun to write something like this... and I really get a kick outa reading things like such..



Thank You So Much For Writing This.
I hope it won't be your last..




Fieve.. ;-) :-)

greencyanide said...

from the way snape reacts, i think there has been something between them...*grins evilly*

Anonymous said...

this is so funny... you should continue writing... and I agree- if she wanted to out him, she should have done it in the books.

Anonymous said...

i could slap that woman! how ridiculous to say Dumbledore is gay!this must have been a PR gag or something like that! i mean seriously we all read the books and we know that Dumbledore is not gay (i can´t even imagine that) there are no hints in the books nor did Dumbledore ever say that he is gay! her lie came out of the blue and is just nonsense. To be honest she hurt my feelings because Dumbledore is one of my favourite characters and i think its really outragous that she said that!(not that i´m against gay poeple but i mean come on really)