My mother came in with tears in her eyes. Why didn't I tell her I wouldn't be home for the night? She was so worried about me. My brothers wondered where I was. What should she tell them? "Next time just call and say you're staying over by a friend's house and you're okay. I won't scream at you, 'Stop doing something that I can't stand.' I just want to know you're okay."
They went on a family outing, visited historic sights with the cousins. I missed it. Sigh. Sorry to have let them down. My mother worries I don't want to be part of the family. That's not it, Ma, I just had stuff to do. I just feel awkward telling them I'm going when I know they hate it. But I guess not knowing is worse and I shouldn't cause additional worry.
I feel empty and hate life and yet, as long as there are cute guys to sleep with and I'm getting action, it is possible to forget and feel okay, if for a short time only. While it may add to the emptiness, it at least fends off encroaching depression.
Monday, October 01, 2007
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