Here in This Beautiful Confusion

I went out with Jarrett, we just walked through the city and talked. It was a really nice night, the weather cooperated beautifully. It got a little chilly as we walked through the park and the strange men called to us with their pothead stories or pleas for change. It took me forever to get there and meet him because of the traffic and the streets that don't go through and looking for parking. But it was a wonderful time.

Much better than the last week when it was Joe I met and I was my usual shy self and we didn't talk too much. It wasn't all my fault. We agreed to meet, but didn't have anything planned to do so it was awkward deciding what to do and we just walked around a little, went shopping, almost got Pinkberry but didn't, and then he said he had to go do homework - only he admitted he was going out that night with a cute guy somewhere so I doubted it was just homework calling but was more of an excuse to leave. So yeah basically I suck.

Then I met up with Kevin in Queens. We were supposed to meet earlier at some house party but I didn't leave Jarrett till late and Kev was already at the club in Queens. So we hung there a bit but then he wanted to go out to the city for some heavy dancing and I headed home. 4 AM is late enough for me. He really wanted me to come out with him, but I get suspicious of all the drug activity that goes along with the super late night after hours parties. And anyway, I need to sleep - I kinda agreed to hang out with Jarrett tomorrow. But I get hard when Kevin touches me. I melt in his hands, it feels so good to hold and be held by him. I wanna be his completely. Just forget the world.

So I found out 2 of my friends have pretty serious boyfriends. One moved across the country to move in with his boy, the other just changed his relationship status on Facebook. (In this day and age, which is more serious??) I wish them all the best. And of course, my shoulder's here for you to cry on if you ever need it.

Last week I met Phil at the club. I really should have called him this weekend. I keep meeting people and not being so good at keeping up. We left together and waited in the subway till my train. He had to go back to Jersey which took him forever. I should have just brought him with me. His lips were the softest lips ever. Waiting in the subway we saw Ry with a guy. Those two kept me company for a good part of the ride, till their stop anyway. He's fun.

Omg so last week was Ken's birthday. We went out to celebrate. First we went to a little place uptown where the bartender gave me this really strong drink. I love it when bartenders have a crush on you. Then we went downtown and Ken was dancing with me and whatever he's not bad looking and it's his 21st birthday but I didn't want to lead him on. We danced, I dunno. I never met him before but we have a lot of friends in common. I kinda hit on this beautiful girl on the subway ride home but my shyness kicked in after we exchanged a couple words and I had nothing else to say, so she got off at her stop The End. If you're reading this, Maya, you make me wanna be straight.

*names have been changed

I read a bunch of blogs from gay teens who want to or tried to commit suicide. I long for a world where suicide wouldn't make sense to anyone. I'm sorry I can't more forcefully oppose and discourage the practice in today's world. All I can say is, life might have had some good stuff for you and it'll be a shame if you miss it. Also, it'll be a loss for the people whose lives you could have touched. So I kinda hope you choose life, but I'll try to respect your decision either way.

Am I too cold?

Life is Like a Party That Sucks: You Want to Leave, But You Know That Will Only Make Things Worse

My parents wonder why I stay out all night partying and sleep all day. Isn't it obvious? I prefer to spend my waking hours relieved of their presence. I like spending time with them, but only during predetermined "visiting hours". Having them around at other times becomes a burden.

I went out with some friends last night. Met some new people. Started dancing with 1 guy, then another, didn't hook up. The 1st lived pretty far out and I wasn't interested in doing the bathroom thing; the second had an awesome body, rock hard abs, but the face I wasn't crazy about. Genre calls this a lobster because (though I don't have personal experience in this department, apparently) with lobsters you throw away the head and just eat the rest. But I find the analogy rather annoying and certainly inappropriate - like most things in that magazine, especially their criminally abominable fashion sense. Funny thing is that even though I knew at the beginning that I wasn't looking for sex this time and just wanted to dance and hang out with my friends, it still felt awkward going home alone at the end of the night.

Quote: When are strippers not annoying? I mean, we've got people to fuck, we've got porn, what do we need strippers for?

P.S. Uh oh, this post is now rated R.

Post-Weekend Wanderings

Went out again. Couldn't help it. I didn't go for sex. Was just lonely. Wanted to hang out with someone. I wish it would be just as simple as ringing my boyfriend, or any friend, and taking in a movie together, or just shooting the breeze. But I don't seem to have that, and it's just lonely.

Toured the sunday night scene. There's the famous big party in the packed ballroom with a bit older grungier crowd than the college scene. More committed perhaps. Than there's the somewhat alternative party with the myriad drag queens. The only cute guy there was the promoter's boyfriend who had to tag along though it wasn't his crowd. Was more chilled than the big one. Passed by the location of an old party that had died. R.I.P. And another cool venue whose Sunday nights are dead. Was so empty a quick peek told me not to bother paying the cover. (They are planning a revival in the coming weeks - a new promoter, some gimmicks, but most anyone who's a catch has work or school or something that makes him get up Monday mornings, so Sunday partying is bound to be - different.)

Got home by about 2:30, but started reading and by the time I looked up it was 5:00am and I knew I need to do something about this ridiculous schedule.

Of Prurient Ballistics Experts

Gave in and set up email blogging so I could write from home but the service is down temporarily, so here I sit at the local internet caf. Let me tell you about the latest nothings from my nonlife. I was pretty down recently, regretting everything I do and do not do, am and am not. Mostly feeling lonely. I got a couple of phone calls just before, which helped. This will be an exercise in nonlinear stroytelling (a pretty intense concept, I must say - demonstration of social evolution). The two callers couldn't have been more different. The first called as I was getting dressed and I just left my pants around my ankles and answered it; the second called while I was brushing my teeth and I left the toothbrush in my mouth and finished brushing as I answered it. But more about that later.

Broke the guy's no-sex-on-the-first-night-rule. Was kind of afraid that meant it was over. Wondered if it was a bad sign - meant he didn't want to pursue anything long-term or a good sign - he was so overcome with passion that such niceties fell by the wayside. Probably was neither. Just the alcohol.

But before that happened, we were ready to leave the club, and he says he needs to go say goodbye to his friend. He walked back in and I waited a couple of minutes, while some elderly gentleman ogled me. Finally I went back in and waited by the door, when I noticed a really cute boy looking at me. We started talking and were soon on dance floor. Here's the dilemma part. Could I just ditch the first guy like that? Could I give up this chance with the ubercutie? In retrospect, this probs could have been better handled, but I guess the alcohol was clouding my reason.

Then I started getting mixed vibes. He excused himself to the restroom, which is club-slang for giving the slip. Anyhow, I needed a bathroom break myself, so I went with. But instead of heading toward the johns, he goes over to talk to a friend. I played dumb when he walked away from the guy and pointed him toward the bathrooms. We sat down and were chatting (not my forte) when the first guy shows up. When he comes over to me, the second boy gets up and slips away. So I leave with the first, haunted by what could have been, but looking forward to what will be. He is annoyed that I didn't wait for him outside, but pleased that he ended up finding me, so all's well. We picked up a couple of beers at the kwikimart and walked the few blocks to his apartment.