Sunday, August 26, 2007

To Boldly Go

Packindagos always a pretty emotional time for me. 'Tsbeen a great summer, though it hasn't been a big party. Can't quite say I worked my tail off, but I went into the lab every day and put in my time, ran my experiments, made my contribution to science, to my education, to my life...

I went off the pills. Didn't mean to, but I ran out and couldn't replace the stash so now that I went through the tingling shocks and constipation of withdrawal I figure what the heck. I'm not rushing back to them. They may have eased the death wish, but they also quashed the life force so who can say what's best? Truth is, I'm not convinced they actually did anything.

The weekend was party city. Something just went beep beep in the hallway. Something bit my computer. Anyway, the weekend. The megaclubs, the sauna scene, the beach and even the sushi. Way crazy. White city? Try slut city. To put it mildly. But boys will be boys. And life is beautiful. And so not worth it. How come the boys I really want, I don't get and all the others beg at my feet?

Supervisor hasn't returned from vacation, so I'll miss her when I leave. Said my goodbyes, brought in a cake for the lab, went out for dinner with some of the summer students who are left. Back to school is in the air, and I am holding onto summer like my life depends on it. Cause it does. I could hang myself when winter comes. Don't think I will but it is depressing. And if you try to lock me up or stuff me with pills because you are afraid I'm suicidal, I swear I will stick your balls through your eye sockets and make you wish like hell you could die. Now you have another reason to advise me to seek treatment. Oh for Christ's sake, you know I'm kidding.

So, New York, NY. Opportunity, sure. Responsibility, too. To go back undergrad for some bio courses? Where to apply for grad school. How to commit to a project for the length of a Phd?

I made a lot of good friends over the summer. Going back, I don't know. Most of my friends in NY are pretty religous. They wouldn't feel comfortable going out for a drink or a movie. So I don't know what to do, how to spend some quality time. I mean, we could get a coffee and talk. I think I'll do some of that. Must make an extreme effort to be social. Not ball up in a little cave like sometimes happens when I'm home. Oh, it's a tough life. Yah, an easy life is a tough life. I don't know what a hard life is and I don't want to. Though I sometimes suspect that it can't be worse than this. Then I give myself a good hard kick in the shins and remember that it can get a whole lot worse and things are really really good. Then I get depressed again because if this is good, life really sucks.

Feel like you've heard all this before? They called it a heat wave, but I thought the weather was absolutely incredible. I just eat up the heat, remembering cold, wet nights in New York.

The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house
All that cold, cold, wet day.

I sat there with Sally.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, "How I wish
We had something to do!"

Too wet to go out
And too cold to play ball.
So we sat in the house.
We did nothing at all.

Only, it wasn't only the wet days either because you can't go out on the nice days either. Hot isn't fun in shachor lavan. Why can't I fall in love with someone who will return that love?

I always hold everything inside, afraid if I let it out I will get hurt. This isn't paranoia, though it sounds just like it. I almost certainly will get hurt. But maybe that is the price of life. Maybe I've been too careful. Or maybe I'll just F up everything.

This Jewland's been a pleasure. And now I guess it's time to say farewell. Onward ho. Don't look back. Also, don't look forward. And definitely don't look at the present. Not a good idea. So I guess it's - how does William Shatner say it -

To explore strange new worlds
To seek out new life and new civilizations
To blindly go where no man has gone before

Or to boldly go. That could work too.

1 comment:

psychology major said...

How come the boys I really want, I don't get and all the others beg at my feet?
Did you hear of the archer that drew the bulls eye around the arrow? You want it because you can't get it.