Sunday, November 04, 2007

Tread Softly For You Tread On My Dreams

A funny thing happened to me the other day. I don't think this has happened really in a number of years, but I got turned on by a girl. Made me more confused than being attracted to boys. Truth is, I always said I was more bi than fully gay, but it was still a bit confusing. I'm over it.

Anyway, I discovered a whole new local social scene, really an entire subculture that somehow flew below the radar--like--forever. It was pretty cool. And I'm set to start my new job this week, finally. Nervous? You bet! Not just nervous, that's not quite the word. More like horrified. But it'll be cool. And then there's the applications. They take so long! And the process has had me doing a lot of thinking. About myself, what I want to do, where I see myself in five years? Ten? Cliched, I know. But it's still real.

And then there was this guy, well actually lets go in order. There was this guy who was cute, with the trim three-day beard, light shortish hair, looks great in a suit. Two button suit with the top shirt button open and white shirt-tails hanging out beneath the jacket. Then there was this really cute guy I just wanted to hold and kiss and cuddle. Smart, a little computer-geeky, but in a good way. Great smile. I'm not good at these descriptions. Then there was this really amazing brilliant gorgeous law student whose outfit and hair were so cute, and his cheeks rosy from alcohol, even his voice was sexy. And then he was having intense conversations about God and morality and prime time television, wow! Dreamy. Marriage material.

Sorry about the daydreams. Back to what I was saying, that I'm applying to do a doctorate just for the hell of it, though I'm not sure I like the field, or that having this degree will actually qualify me to work in the field. But this is the area I've studied, so in this area I'm prepared to pursue graduate study, perhaps even in the Ivy League. Which is an exciting proposition to me for some unidentified reason (probably having a lot to do with vanity).

Remind me to look up network theory. Someone mentioned it in casual conversation (as in, "network theory helped me solve LSAT logic games easily) along with a host of esoteric math concepts (integrals, partial differentials, you know the drill) which made me realize just how much I have to learn. Oh, and about love. So there was this great young couple. Actually the first time I saw a young married couple behaving normally. Like normal people. Not like those famous Maalot Dafna couples. Not like the Ramat Eshkol couples. Not like the Machal couples. They were regular people, though they played Shabbos hosts, it wasn't a stuffy make-believe matziv like the way those newlyweds play house according to all the rules they think they are supposed to follow. It was just friends getting together and chilling. And it was really beautiful. Anyway not to sound to mushy but I'm pretty open about blabbering my feelings here.

So the husband says about his wife that he is so obsessed with her that if she ever cheated with another guy he'd feel like his life was forfeit, like killing himself. Hearing him describe his feelings like that made me think. To me, I subscribe overly much to the sex is just sex theory and emotional attachments are rare. Perhaps because I haven't met the right person yet, but perhaps also because I have a totally skewed sense of relationships to begin with. I admired his sentiments but couldn't relate. I don't remember feeling that way about anybody. If I was with a guy and he cheated, well, it was to be expected. How could I expect him to pass up an opportunity, and as long as he's there for me when I need him, so what if he played with someone else. No, I'm not comfortable with this. This way of thinking. I don't know, it sounds like a great theory, but it doesn't connect with most people. Here's where I stop making sense.

Not that I can't be monogamous. Actually, that is the most natural state for me when I'm with a guy I really like. If things are going well with one person, I totally don't need anyone else. Not interested. It's when I'm with someone who is not an optimal fit that I'm still in the game, seeking better. Ok, I wrote too much. My heart is on the table. Cut it up if you will.

And another thing. I apparently have this total mental block about calling home when I'm going to be late. So every time I go out, I come back to a litany of, "We were so worried about you. How come you didn't call? I guess you don't care how we feel." So I get the feeling, right or wrong, that they don't approve of my going out, don't approve of having friends. So I alternate staying home and being a loner with going out and slipping out without telling my parents. Then if it's getting late, I think, "I'm still having a good time and not ready to leave," and the idea of just calling to say I'll be in late somehow does not occur to me at all, even though I had resolved the last time to do just that. So the cycle repeats. But the funny thing is, I do not have a bad memory, so I think it is some psychological block on calling home. Like I block out the idea subconsciously because I get these vibes of disapproval from them that I'm not interested in even though practically I know the right thing is to call. And I'm self-centered. And hey, while I'm at it, sex-obsessed. Though not as much as I used to be. Okay, as much.

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