Sunday, April 23, 2006

Prison House, Family, Apartments, Marriage, A Poem

Why can't we all just be? Life is so full of pressures. People care. About things and stuff. I hate life; I can't stand thinking about my stupid future. I feel trapped and locked in. Stuck. Tied-up in this labyrinth, this intricate web laden with stops, barricades, and blockades. You think you see a path only to see it closed off.

10:00PM, my 18 yr old brother asks my dad if he can go bowling. He gives him an hour. What?! How's a guy supposed to live around here? He means the best but - ouch. Being home for vacation is like cabin fever only like living hell. It's so sick to say that; I have it so good. I live in a nice house with all the modern amenities and great caring people. But I'm fooling myself. It hurts to be with these people now.

I'm feel like dying. I love my father. Really do. But I can't stand when he's around. I feel like he doesn't approve of the way I am, the things I do. Even writing this blog; if he saw it he might read it, so I try to hide it when he comes in. Which is awkward and unfortunate.

We don't talk about sex. We don't talk about our imperfections. We don't talk about our desires. I don't know what we do talk about; everything is taboo. And I'm all bottled up afraid to say the wrong thing so I don't know my family and they don't know me. We don't know each other and we share a roof and we share DNA. We do for each other and give to each other and on the surface we love each other but secrectly probably all hate each other.

I got two offers in the way of apartments from old friends looking for roommates. I've seen their places. Decent, good location. Problem is these are such good boys. They wouldn't go clubbing or anything. They get up in the morning. I'd feel funny there, idk. Maybe it would do me good; they'd be a good influence.

My friend got engaged tonight. I went with a bunch of guys to the party. We walked in, hugged the groom, wished congrats, and then stared around at each other as if to say, "Now what?" Went over to some other guys who were there, like "I haven't seen you in half a year, and it had been a year before that. We were together in high school, but we have nothing to talk about now so what do we do?" We waited a bit and then left.

Speaking of engagements, I should probably start thinking about marriage myself one of these months. I can't say the prospect totally doesn't interest me. It does. But there are things I want to do before I get hitched. To be honest, there are people I'd like to do. And the responsibilities: earning a living, supporting a family, raising kids, being there for my wife, giving up my selfish slothful ways, actually maintaining a place of residence instead of just renting a piece of junk and letting it ride. It has its rewards, I'm sure, but it sounds so hard.

Let me introduce this next piece. I put up such a long post, I didn't really expect anyone to read this far, so this is my experimental space. It's a poem about a feeling, but I let words get in the way so you end up with a kind of a solution. Not an answer, a solution. Supersaturated.

I saw you
After the feast
In the park
Misanthrope

You shivered as you trembled
As I whispered
In the park
Misanthrope

I heard your sweat
As you tugged me as you lifted me
In my quaking heart
Misanthrope

A yellow bus passes by
The leaves rustle and the music fades
Fridge door is open you forgot the light
Thats not okay you're a big girl now

Sable stitching falling
Darkness calling fails to be heard
And ten come up the stairs with no one looking
As they scuttle, always looking

Inside sofa beckons
Sewn of silver gold bedeck'd
You sit up on it waiting
Forever waiting misanthrope

Any comments? Be honest '-)

3 comments:

Manny said...

To be honest - i stumbled across your blog only because you stumbled across mine. And I havent worked on mine for over a year now...
I really love people, and the way they think, and the stuff they go through. I dont know, but i just got this impression while skimming through your blog. On the comments that are currently posted, none of them talk as much about how youre feeling as the frustration you had with the constraints of your family and doing something in life.
I mean, youre probably different than you were then, it has been a few months. But for some reason, i related to you as a person, and i really dont know you. Bu ti i felt like i should write this comment...
You seem special.
Rousseau says that the mere impulse to an appetite is slavery, while obediance to a law to which we presecribe oursleves is liberty. Your search is more admirable to me than the herd mentality of others that I know. I hope you find the answer, and I know it is out there.
Are you looking?

Again, so you seem like a very special person. I hope you are doing well.

Teddy Douglas said...

Thanks for your comments, Manny. Thanks for your kind words. I am looking on and off, hope I'll find something good. Maybe I'll post more about my feelings. But those feelings were tall and poked above the surface. Much of the time, my feelings lie below water level.

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