Monday, April 17, 2006

On the Couch

I am comfortable being gay. I don't have a problem admitting it to myself. So why is it so hard to talk about to others? I don't feel I can tell my parents, and it's weird to talk about with my friends. Even with my therapist I have trouble getting the words out. I try. Like I'll walk in and say, "I saw this hot guy on the bus on my way over here." Only I'll mumble it half under my breath. And he'll say, "Can you repeat that?" So I go, "You didn't hear me the first time?" and try to change the subject.
One time I told him about my feelings for Y----. I was thinking of stuff to say, and doing my usual beating around the bush because it's so hard to talk about real issues. I resorted to commenting on the objects in the room. Flowers, paintings, bookshelves, children's toys, lamp, etc. When I finished I realized I hadn't mentioned the couch, which looks like a bed. Wanting to be honest and cooperate, I pointed this out, attributing my reluctance to mention the bed because I wanted Y---- in my bed and was nervous to talk about it. So he asked, "Can you elaborate on that?" Here I'm thinking, "No, damnit I don't want to discuss what I want to do with guys in bed!" But I don't want to be difficult, I'm seeing the dude for a reason after all. So I told him that I want to kiss Y---- and hold him and love him and not be by myself all the time. Then he asked, "What comes to mind when you think of being lonely?" I told him a story of the time when my father was in the hospital and I was in school in another city and couldn't visit him. When I called the hospital to try to speak with him and the hospital didn't let, I felt so lonely I cried.
Dr. H------- wasn't satisfied with that and waited for more, but that was all I had to say. Often, I'm afraid of where things will go in therapy if I let them go unchecked. I know I should just say it and be open and let the process work, but it's scary. Why? I don't know, what if people I like are bad? What if opinions I've held are false? What if the life I'm leading is wrong? What if the life I'm leading is right and I mistakenly change it? I don't know. I didn't intend this post to be a transcript of a therapy session but it's cool how it turned out. Maybe I'll write up more of them when I continue after spring break.

Oh, and mom and dad, if you are reading my blog, you probably shouldn't be. At least, that's not what I intended. Maybe it's for the best, but we are going to have a lot to talk about. And, knowing us, we probably won't talk about it anyway. Which is fine, I guess. ;-)

Going upstate today for a couple of days vacation. Easy access to a pool makes me giddy with happiness. I could just spend the whole day poolside, swimming, reading, swimming again. I'll probably be back for the weekend. Adios.

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