Sunday, February 04, 2007


Let's try some free-association.

Stock markets up down hell sex hey i didn't mean that. It's one of those things you Christians are always saying. Love is great. I love to look at the beauty of good looking people, especially teenage boys. I could be on this topic all day, so that would kind of defeat the purpose, right? I mean, I'm supposed to jump from topic to topic? Do you feel like jumping from topic to topic. No, not really. OK, then just be natural. Write what comes into your mind. This whole exercise is unnatural. It is the most awkward thing. Fine, stop concentrating on the process, just let it happen. Ah, yah that's good. I like to jst let it happen. Like we're out at the club having a great time, and then we're at his apartment, and we just let it happen. Do you think it's odd that I'm always thinking about sex? is this normal? I hear polls from time to time about how often people think about sex, and the choices are like not at all, 1-2 times a day, 3-4 times a day. And I'm like what are they talking about? Try 6 to 20 times an hour. Parents are also one of those thing i think about when I'm doing these psycho thinking things. I think it's because of all that stuff you hear about parents being responsible for children's psychological probs. but maybe I'm just doing the defense mechanism thing. My aunt is a psychologist. Her mom is real proud that she has a daughter who is a "doctor". Now she just needs a lawyer. And maybe a real MD would be better than a shrink, idk. Medical school takes so long. Law is faster, but it's not a fun job. SO maybe I'll try writing. I saw an internship position at The Economist that looked interesting. Gotta write a sample article for the science section of the magazine to apply. I am typing on a keyboard. that is one of those classic fillers that you use when you aren't really thinking about things you feel comfortable talking about, so you just look around.
I'm shopping for a phone, oh yeah. I got this awful haircut Friday. I asked the barber to keep the style, just make it a bit shorter. Next thing I know, it's short where I want it long and long where I want it short. don't ask. made me appreciate my israeli hairstylist i'd been using in the holy land. I thought american barbers are better, but i guess even in this great country, some things are still hit or miss. I got new accuview contact lenses. much more comfortable than my old ones, which weren't disposables like these.
I've noticed people wearing these flashy glasses with big think temples. cut it out. ok. glasses should not be something that i have to look around to see your face. they should complement your face, not obstruct it.
My benchmark is hair you can eat. let me explain. ideally you would have some hair just long enough to reach your mouth, or maybe almost long enough, like just out of reach of your mouth. This allows a certain amount of freedom and flexibility for styling. Not that hair always needs to be this length. in the summer when the weather is hot for sure it should be much shorter. But once in a while i like to let it grow out a bit, especially when the extra thickness can serve as insulation in these cold New York winters.
I decided i like some red near my face. like black jeans, green/cyan/white striped button shirt under a conservative young sweater. shirttails protruding out from under the sweater, red scarf or button. idk.
there is this guy in school who when he walks by i look hard, gaze, try to remember every glorious detail, want to become one with his, eat him, hold him, love him. Why. why? what kind of stupid question s that. he's hot idk he's beautiful. can you elaborate on that. this stuff interests you huh doctor? when i ramble about new york winters you are silent, but talk about sex and you're all ears. ok he's about 5'8", slim, short light brown hair. oh wait, i'll describe this one. he drives me wild. A bit shorter, maybe 5'7", but I could be off. blond hair with a lock that sticks straight out in front at like a 90 degree angle so if i kiss him his hair would basically stab me in the eye. moist red lips, cheeks that make him look if he were blushing, energy. yah, that is part of a visual description of this guy. he looks "energy". you just see it on him. anyway, if i could be with these cuties that would be great. My printer is saying that it is thirsty. it gets that way sometimes after it has done a lot of printing. this post is getting long. shall we continue next week? Will you pay another $100 for a fifty minute therapy hour. No i will not, doctor. I think you are wasting my time. Why am i becoming a psychologist if I don't believe in shrinks? i guess because i know there are others who believe in them and if you believe in it, then at least you can get the placebo effect, so it helps them. Which is good. Unlike mass murder in Darfur. WHich is bad. And the people in hollywood like the people in darfur so they go there and take pictures and maybe they should make movies about them. Hi mr. you live in darfur. you could live in khartoum, but you don't so you get to get killed all the time. hi mr person from darfur, how does it feel to get killed all the f***ing time? To tell you the truth mr hollywood man sir, i like your money and i like that you come here and make movies and give us your money and i don't half recall having been killed all the time, though my neighbor from down the block, he's also mr live in darfur, and he got killed last week. but not all the time. so maybe you could ask him. but he probably not answer you because we bury him good. And can i have a free pair of those Toms shoes you like to give out to us poor people in Africa. And can you help me witht eh AIDS thing. I don't want to die of AIDS and you like to go on TV for helping us Africans with stuff like that. Anyway, it's ben a pleasure meeting with you, Mr. rich american hollywood guy. Now i'd better be off. I have a meeting with an impotent, that is important, terrorist leader to get to and there is not to me car so i would need run.
Go save the environment for us so we could live in this poor place and kill each other and get humanitarian aid from the people who aren't fighting and killing each other, they just fight and kill people in Iraq and destabilize the country so all the Iraqis can blow each other the heck up because maybe they like to die and then they could kill more Israelis in bakeries buying their food. How does that make you feel, Teddy? Feel? like punching you in the face. why do you always interrupt at stupid times? Would you like to punch me in the face? no, i would not. i was just expressing my distaste at your distaste. how do you know how i taste. You, idk but i was with a guy lat week who really tastes excellent. It's like licking absolute bliss. A spark goes right through your tongue straight to the pleasure centers in my brain and i just melt and hold him close. And then I have to finish two more quizzes for experimental psych. And I have to study for my LSATs and you are wasting my time. why do you think that this stuff works, anyway?
What do you think of when you think of wasting time? Try to free-associate to that idea. Computers that crash, lost work, stock markets can crash, lost money. wasting time? dying. the end of time. you get old, you can't do stuff. I want to make the best of my time but don't really know how. my spiritual leader said in a lecture a couple of days ago that there is no happiness like the absence of doubt. That the greatest happiness is knowing exactly what to do. That explains the joy of the hassidim. they listen to their rebbe, and blindly happily do whatever, no questions, no thoughts, no second-guessing. the rebbe did all their thinking for them. so there are no doubts and ignorance is bliss. but it's really bliss.
So back to wasting time. if i knew exactly what to do things might be different. but i don't and i have the feeling i guess (saw a hot pic on a Guess shopping bag) of time slipping away and i want to have lots of sex. i told you that always comes up. as i was saying time slipping away and life ending without meaning and what to do to give it lasting substance and there is religion and i do that. i do lots of religion and the whole secular world looks down at religion and wants people to be secular like them but they don't realize what they are missing because they are missing the essence of life and they live out meaningless existence and are never really happy and they should do more religion. but said spiritual leader (see above) also said that we don't just do some religion in our religion. we do everything according to the rules of religion, i mean every little thing to show we are slaves of god. wasting time? i guess not doing all of the religion stuff means i am wasting my time on earth. and doing all of the religion stuff means i am not having time for other things i value. early memories of wasting time? well, around my parents i would always feel guilty about wasting time because they were always doing important stuff and wanted the same of me. do your homework idk. i've wasted lots of time. like on a school holiday back in elementary, i would play hour upon hour of nintendo or playstation video games and then turn around and have to go back to school and i would feel terrible, that i wasted my whole vacation , and now it's back to school, even though i enjoyed the games. I'll see you again next week then, ok, teddy. go f*** yourself. You'd like that huh? no. If you were as hot as my acting coach then yes. and now you sound like me already.

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