Holidays in NYC. So Long Ago. Touching.

I'm sitting on the subway looking conspicuous as I type out this post.
But as I look to my left, I see a guy reading on a Kindle, and with
the guy on my right playing games on his smartphone and the girl
across the car selecting songs on her iPod, I figure I'm not that out
of place with a netbook on my lap.

The weekend was crazy. First, I made up to meet a few friends at a
party in midtown. I got to the place and took one look at the line,
and hailed a cab. I had started drinking on the bus to the city, so I
was in no mood to wait on line to get in. I take it as a personal
affront to have to wait on line, and don't frequent places that behave
offensively to their guests.

The backup was even better anyway. The crowd was younger, the vibe was hotter (of course, I don't know this to be true because I didn't actually go inside the first place but whatever). And I met my friends
there. Turns out they couldn't get in to the other place because their
fake IDs didn't work or something. Wasn't long before I found myself
leaving with an adorable couple to an apartment they had available a
few blocks away. Not sure whose apartment it was. He was a Greek
architecture student in New York, he was studying politics in Boston
and they came out to the club straight from the holiday midnight mass.
The next day he was taking his boyfriend to meet the 'rents at the
estate upstate.

I loved watching the way they looked at each other, and being in the
thick of it. Watching them kiss each other and then me I guess made me
feel almost part of what they had, which seemed so beautiful. Such
wonderful smiles, and terrific bodies. It was such a warm, comforting,
happy way to sleep with two other awesome people in the bed.

I watched another episode of Glee. That makes 2. Everybody loves it.
I'm not convinced.

I watched "Cowboys & Angels". It almost made me cry. Not because it
was so good. It was an average movie. Allen Leech is hot as Vincent,
the gay art student. And the other guy is kinda cute too. But the
theme of being afraid to do what you want, taking the safe way even
though it may be suboptimal and leave you feeling unfulfilled... I
worry about that. Of course, I was rooting for the two guys to hook
up. Spoiler alert: They don't. The roommate is straight.

I have followed some of my dreams. And it led to moments and times of
extraordinary pleasure and satisfaction. I followed the dream of going
to college, but only part-way. I didn't go to an ivy league school,
didn't dorm in a residential college. I went to second tier commuter
schools. I didn't continue on for a doctorate. Didn't complete a
double major. I could complain that money was a factor. I could
complain that my teachers or school didn't offer the support they
should have. I could complain about lots of thing but the decisions
ultimately were mine. Except for not geting into the PhD programs I
wanted. That wasn't for lack of trying. But still, I gave up that
dream too easily. Perhaps because it wasn't mine. I don't have any
such dreams. My answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up"
was "Me? Grow up? I don't know what you're talking about."

I followed the dream of pursuing sexual encounters with boys. I owe my
life to that. No way I could have continued on in life without that.

The dream of becoming wealthy is one I hope to pursue, but I don't
know what way will get me there.

The dream of having good friends...

I don't let myself dream big because I'm afraid of what happens to
dreams deffered. I think its gross the way they fester like a sore and
shrivel up like a raisin in the sun. I'm frightened they may even
explode.

Anyway, then I went out to a friend's birthday party. Danced away the
night and had a good time. Yes, the birthday boy is someone I've slept
with. And yes, I still have a crush on him. But I don't think he sees
anything sexual in our friendship any longer. I was dancing with
another guy I met at the party and he kept leaning in to try to kiss
me. A third year law student, kinda cute, but I wasn't interesed in
making out with him. Not really his fault, it was just my mood or
whatever. Too much excitement for one weekend with the threesome the
other night...

So at about 2 o'clock he starts hinting he's ready to leave. I'm
thinking "cool, I've had my eye on that guy across the room - that one
with the short blond hair and vest, wait there goes the vest, that
shirtless hottie - and I've been too polite to slip away from you
(besides, this bar is too small and you'd for sure see me with him)".
So he's hinting he's ready to leave and wouldn't mind us leaving
together. But I didn't quite take that part of the hint, and said,
"Okay do you want to give me your number?" He said he wants do give me more than his number... I asked if maybe his email addres would be better. He reached in for a kiss. I gently but firmly held him back.
At this point he's just annoying. He was fun for a dance and a smoke
(I don't smoke and I don't think he did either, but going outside the
club for some fresh air and a quieter place to talk might as well be
going for a smoke because all the smokers congregate outside the
smoke-free bar) but now it's past your bedtime, you invited me over, I
as much as said "not tonight" and you're still here? What do you want?
Well, he stuck around a bit more. He walked me to my car with his
umbrella and then asked for a ride to his place. Once there he thought
we should look for parking so I could come inside, but I had to get
home so he just jacked me off in the car... The end.

Finishing up this post waiting for the bus, then going to kick back with my Love It of Coldstone and Woody Allen's Manhattan on DVD as I'm chauffered around. Luxury on a poor man's budget.