Pondering the Future

The whole nasty question of my future has begun to rear its ugly head again. I am trying to decide where to finish college, what to do after, etc. When I think, "What do I want to do with my life?" My first response is usually, "I don't." There is nothing to which I really want to devote my life; nothing I want to do day in and day out. Certainly nothing practical. So when I think these thoughts, suicide becomes the obvious choice. But I have problems with that course as well and haven't seriously considered it.

I heard other ways to look at the decision: How do you see yourself five years from now?* What do you have to do now to avoid regrets down the road? So I'm thinking about it. Basically I'm thinking finish college, start going out (shidduchim), go to yeshiva full time for a few years, maybe work in the summers and bein hazmanim, then go to grad school, and get a job. It's time to start applying for summer jobs/internships. So much to do: it's almost time to study for finals, register for Spring classes, GRE and whatnot. It's confusing.

I spoke to a friend who has left yeshiva to work full time, and he expressed regrets that he could not be learning. It got me thinking about the opportunity of being in yeshiva. Chanukah seems a good time to "get back into it". Start taking my Judaism** more seriously, start learning better, davening better, being more careful about halakha. Would you be surprised if I said I am considering Lakewood (aka BMG)? It is getting harder to get accepted there, so many people want to go. It has become the de facto yeshiva for serious bochurim returning from Israel. Few large yeshivos can match the high level of learning there. Maybe I won't be accepted? Maybe I won't fit in? I don't know. If I decide to continue learning it would be hard to do it anywhere else.

*"Married with one kid and one on the way" is a classic answer to this question. Isn't that funny?

**Technically, there is no such thing as Juda ism. But I don't have time to explain the theory, for now I use the term in its colloquial sense.