Here in This Beautiful Confusion

I went out with Jarrett, we just walked through the city and talked. It was a really nice night, the weather cooperated beautifully. It got a little chilly as we walked through the park and the strange men called to us with their pothead stories or pleas for change. It took me forever to get there and meet him because of the traffic and the streets that don't go through and looking for parking. But it was a wonderful time.

Much better than the last week when it was Joe I met and I was my usual shy self and we didn't talk too much. It wasn't all my fault. We agreed to meet, but didn't have anything planned to do so it was awkward deciding what to do and we just walked around a little, went shopping, almost got Pinkberry but didn't, and then he said he had to go do homework - only he admitted he was going out that night with a cute guy somewhere so I doubted it was just homework calling but was more of an excuse to leave. So yeah basically I suck.

Then I met up with Kevin in Queens. We were supposed to meet earlier at some house party but I didn't leave Jarrett till late and Kev was already at the club in Queens. So we hung there a bit but then he wanted to go out to the city for some heavy dancing and I headed home. 4 AM is late enough for me. He really wanted me to come out with him, but I get suspicious of all the drug activity that goes along with the super late night after hours parties. And anyway, I need to sleep - I kinda agreed to hang out with Jarrett tomorrow. But I get hard when Kevin touches me. I melt in his hands, it feels so good to hold and be held by him. I wanna be his completely. Just forget the world.

So I found out 2 of my friends have pretty serious boyfriends. One moved across the country to move in with his boy, the other just changed his relationship status on Facebook. (In this day and age, which is more serious??) I wish them all the best. And of course, my shoulder's here for you to cry on if you ever need it.

Last week I met Phil at the club. I really should have called him this weekend. I keep meeting people and not being so good at keeping up. We left together and waited in the subway till my train. He had to go back to Jersey which took him forever. I should have just brought him with me. His lips were the softest lips ever. Waiting in the subway we saw Ry with a guy. Those two kept me company for a good part of the ride, till their stop anyway. He's fun.

Omg so last week was Ken's birthday. We went out to celebrate. First we went to a little place uptown where the bartender gave me this really strong drink. I love it when bartenders have a crush on you. Then we went downtown and Ken was dancing with me and whatever he's not bad looking and it's his 21st birthday but I didn't want to lead him on. We danced, I dunno. I never met him before but we have a lot of friends in common. I kinda hit on this beautiful girl on the subway ride home but my shyness kicked in after we exchanged a couple words and I had nothing else to say, so she got off at her stop The End. If you're reading this, Maya, you make me wanna be straight.

*names have been changed

I read a bunch of blogs from gay teens who want to or tried to commit suicide. I long for a world where suicide wouldn't make sense to anyone. I'm sorry I can't more forcefully oppose and discourage the practice in today's world. All I can say is, life might have had some good stuff for you and it'll be a shame if you miss it. Also, it'll be a loss for the people whose lives you could have touched. So I kinda hope you choose life, but I'll try to respect your decision either way.

Am I too cold?

me: yesterday, i sat down in a bar and there was this guy sitting across the room from me and he's making eyes at me and i was thinking like alright, why don't you just come over if you want to talk

1:48 AM and then the bartender comes over and says the guy in the striped shirt across from you wants to buy you a drink

i said ok, and he brought me the drink

the guy still doesn't come over

bryanboy.com: well, maybe he's shy

and he was just waiting for you to come up to him

he already made a sign that he's interested

the eyes... and the drink

me: just wait. and then finally, the bartender hands me this note from the guy that he's deaf

1:49 AM bryanboy.com: OH

and he's at the bar?

LOL

1:50 AM me: yah, so i thought i'd scan his note. it was kind of nice. poor guy

bryanboy.com: OMG I WANNA SEE

Uncomfortable to Talk About It

I had a lot of fun with the go-go boys at a club in the city the other night. I was so shy, it's funny. Some guy who was talking to me handed me a dollar bill and said to go stick it in the boy's underwear. It was so awkward at first, but fun. You get to feel up the boys and watch them dance on the bar in front of your face. Several people offered to take me home but I declined. I didn't kiss anyone or have sex or anything. Just dancing and touching, so I think that's safe. I don't feel good about it, but then, I don't feel good about much in general so I don't know.

I was very shy, just like standing around, walking around, and people came over to me and said I looked cute and stuff, but I wasn't really interested in most of them. And when I saw someone who was hot, my heart stopped and all I could do was stare and I didn't have the courage to go flirt with him. So I was left in a pretty messed up situation.