Annnd that's thaa way it is. (Pride Edition)

My life has 2 parts. The first 25 years are heretofore to be referred to as BiP (before iPhone); the current era, begun about a week and a half ago, is dated AiP.

Of course, as I approach my 26th birthday this rebirth in the era of Anno iPhoni gives me the ability to tell people I'm much younger. I'm 2 weeks old, AiP.

But more to the point, it is a life altering device. People with iPhones have more sex, too. It's a fact.

To rewind, Pride was a total bust. Well, not total. I still had fun. I missed the parade. But not without good cause. After staying up Saturday night partying with the most beautiful people and having so much fun, I'm sure I could be forgiven for waking up late on Sunday. After 20 minutes of hula hooping (my latest fitness craze), I rushed to the city, dumped my stuff at my hotel, and raced after the parade barefoot, flipflops in hand. I never caught it; just ended up amongst the massive post-parade throngs in the Village.

I frantically called and texted all my friends at the parade, but no one was up for a post-parandial outing. Each one said he had been drained by the hot sun and was eager to go home and rest. I, having woken up as late as I did, was full of energy.

The iPhone with its Google Maps saved me from getting lost in the Village, Facebook for iPhone helped me update friends on my whereabouts and see who's up for a party. Eventually I made contact with a cute friend who also had missed the parade, due to work. We went club hopping and wound up back at the hotel with a third for what amounted to a brief nap before getting up for work Tuesday morning.

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Then Thursday was Splash, met up with Nate and his boyfriend Kyle. I love these guys. I went to see their new Manhattan apartment and crashed there snuggled between them. There's no feeling like it. Sometimes I think instead of searching for a boyfriend, I should be searching for a couple. Or maybe I found one.

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Friday hung out with some frat boys. One was a techie who introduced me to the world of Aeon Flux, a dystopian superhero with a Kenny complex. The two drank beer while I drank water (less calories) and then they pulled off my pants and sucked me.

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Saturday night, went out to Rush and after dancing ended up going with him back to the Columbia dorms, where we spent several delicious hours before waking up early so he could go meet some friends in the Hamptons for Independence Day celebrations.

The gym was closed for the holiday, so I just laid out in the quad and soaked up some rays. It was peaceful. And hot. Like 97 degrees all day. I ripped the legs off my jeans before going back out to watch the fireworks.

After the fireworks show, we tried going for ice cream but wouldn't wait on the long lines that formed at the ice cream parlors near the pier as thousands of overheated fireworks-watchers swarmed the city after the show.

So we went to Therapy for drinks. A good time was had by all, but the guys bailed early, leaving me with too much time on my hands. I walked around a bit and eventually made my way back home. Oh,, one of the guys I was with at the fireworks was the "date" guy from the other time. I still have a big crush on him, but he seemed to be in "just friends" mode. Hmm.

What happens to a dream deferred

I skipped going out Thursday night in favor of gym, sleep, and being able to wake up before noon. It was worth it. Got a date, and a trip to the beach. The beach was fun. Chill.

Then I met this guy on the train. It was crazy, we were looking at each other the whole time. I flipped him my card as I walked out at my stop. I was shaking. I didn't know if it was crazy or creepy or what. But he called and it was so awesome. Maybe I'll see him again.

Date tonight. Omg this is so unusual for me. An actual, agreed upon in advance, date? We still haven't decided where to go.

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Date rocked, but I got there so late he was tired so I don't think he was into it and I left feeling utterly deflated. So I went to the Ritz, saw some friends and picked up this cutie. We hooked up in the car and I felt kinda better.

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Wow, awesome dream last night. I was living in this house near a dorm and the dorm kids wanted to come in and party. We had some kind of party, I made friends with some of them and wound up in their place. It was full of wild sex at every turn. I walked in with this girl I was talking to, we walked past the girls bathroom and there was this girl climbing up the sink trying to masturbate herself on the faucet. My friend then opens a stall, sees another girl in there and follows her in, starting to get it on with her - I don't remember if she bothered to even close the stall.

Then, I walked back to the boys area where there were a bunch of guys all over each other in the showers, in pretty open view. I soon found a boy of my own :) These guys were my kind of people. So open and beautiful..

Then, what's a story without some drama? So there was this aggressive group that wanted me to go through some kind of initiation and they made me pee into a cup in front of them all. So I did and I thought it was all pretty hot anyway. But then somehow it wasn't enough for one of the guys, maybe I'd been with his girl idk and he came at me to attack me. It being my dream and all, I gave him a sound beating and became something of a hero among most of the guys and girls.

But he had this group of friends and I knew they would only hate me more. So next time, he came at me I was readying some stick weapon to defend myself, but I took him down, dragged him over to the lake and held him under. As I had him under I thought about what I should do. I didn't want to kill him, but I knew if I let him up he'd be furious for revenge. Anyway I let him up gasping and called it a warning. After that I think pretty much the war calmed down and everybody had makeup sex.

Here in This Beautiful Confusion

I went out with Jarrett, we just walked through the city and talked. It was a really nice night, the weather cooperated beautifully. It got a little chilly as we walked through the park and the strange men called to us with their pothead stories or pleas for change. It took me forever to get there and meet him because of the traffic and the streets that don't go through and looking for parking. But it was a wonderful time.

Much better than the last week when it was Joe I met and I was my usual shy self and we didn't talk too much. It wasn't all my fault. We agreed to meet, but didn't have anything planned to do so it was awkward deciding what to do and we just walked around a little, went shopping, almost got Pinkberry but didn't, and then he said he had to go do homework - only he admitted he was going out that night with a cute guy somewhere so I doubted it was just homework calling but was more of an excuse to leave. So yeah basically I suck.

Then I met up with Kevin in Queens. We were supposed to meet earlier at some house party but I didn't leave Jarrett till late and Kev was already at the club in Queens. So we hung there a bit but then he wanted to go out to the city for some heavy dancing and I headed home. 4 AM is late enough for me. He really wanted me to come out with him, but I get suspicious of all the drug activity that goes along with the super late night after hours parties. And anyway, I need to sleep - I kinda agreed to hang out with Jarrett tomorrow. But I get hard when Kevin touches me. I melt in his hands, it feels so good to hold and be held by him. I wanna be his completely. Just forget the world.

So I found out 2 of my friends have pretty serious boyfriends. One moved across the country to move in with his boy, the other just changed his relationship status on Facebook. (In this day and age, which is more serious??) I wish them all the best. And of course, my shoulder's here for you to cry on if you ever need it.

Last week I met Phil at the club. I really should have called him this weekend. I keep meeting people and not being so good at keeping up. We left together and waited in the subway till my train. He had to go back to Jersey which took him forever. I should have just brought him with me. His lips were the softest lips ever. Waiting in the subway we saw Ry with a guy. Those two kept me company for a good part of the ride, till their stop anyway. He's fun.

Omg so last week was Ken's birthday. We went out to celebrate. First we went to a little place uptown where the bartender gave me this really strong drink. I love it when bartenders have a crush on you. Then we went downtown and Ken was dancing with me and whatever he's not bad looking and it's his 21st birthday but I didn't want to lead him on. We danced, I dunno. I never met him before but we have a lot of friends in common. I kinda hit on this beautiful girl on the subway ride home but my shyness kicked in after we exchanged a couple words and I had nothing else to say, so she got off at her stop The End. If you're reading this, Maya, you make me wanna be straight.

*names have been changed

I read a bunch of blogs from gay teens who want to or tried to commit suicide. I long for a world where suicide wouldn't make sense to anyone. I'm sorry I can't more forcefully oppose and discourage the practice in today's world. All I can say is, life might have had some good stuff for you and it'll be a shame if you miss it. Also, it'll be a loss for the people whose lives you could have touched. So I kinda hope you choose life, but I'll try to respect your decision either way.

Am I too cold?

Looking for People to Complete Me

Can anyone truly believe that cellar door is more beautiful than a humped convolvulus rearing its dragon head from an icy lake?

So here I am typing on a tiny virtual keyboard and once again pondering the big real questions. Is this life worth living? Do I can I will I mean something? Will I find love or happiness?

My father bought a new car. Well a used car, but anyway an additional car. Since my brother started dating he's been hogging the car and now he's engaged, when he gets married I guess he might take it altogether. So when my father let me take the new car out the other night I thought it was a major milestone. I thought he had done some thinking and realized I'm not a little kid anymore and he was ok letting me go out at night. I thought maybe he was done with causing me the pain of having to brave the cold and waste my time with the subways late at night. When I need to go out I need it and go. I was always hurt by the way they held the car over me like that. I thought maybe this could be a turning point, like we could maybe sit down now that we respect each other as adults and come to terms with me and what I go through and especially my sexuality. But then I got a frantic hysterical text message from my father that "it's 3am where are you with my car?" And I shrunk back into my shell. He's still not ready to relate to me straight and I don't want to relate to him at all if it's under those unfair terms. So when I came home avoided my parents, didn't talk to them.

Then as my mother was going upstairs she asked me not to use the stove right now because she had just cleaned it and was too tired to do it again. I said, "oh u just don't like me. The first thing u said to me today was 'don't'." She pointed out that i had ignored her, and to her that's just as bad. I just said "you're right, i'm sorry" but i could have said i didn't talk to you because I just don't like to hear 'don't' all the time.

Anyway where was I out so late? Went to the club, found a guy, gave him a ride home, he asked me up, he wanted to fuck me, he couldn't get hard enough, so i didn't even have to tell him no and it was great cuz it was just how I wanted it, I got to play as if I was gonna let him
without having to stop him and say no and even better since he feels like it's his fault, like he owes me something. Does this make me an evil person?

Recently watched movies: YPF, Shortbus, a documentary about Alfred Kinsey, Save Me, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I'm thinking of how great it is what I had with the guy I'm seeing (if you can call it that, we went out twice) but that it is not complete. And can there ever be one person to complete me? Thinking of my friendlessness (real or imagined) and how I always go out alone and sometimes hook up when all I want is a hug and a conversation and acceptance.

I was out the other night and there were three guys in the bar that caught my attention. One of them I've had (would like to do so again, but he doesn't seem into it. However, having done it takes the edge off the unbridled lust), one was hitting on me, and suddenly all that interests me is the third. (Not that I didn't have a good time with bachelor number 2) But I always want more, want what I can't have. Or am too timid to ask for... Okay, so I'm evil. I'm Haman, second to the king, who owns the world, but wants to have that one cute guy who refuses to bend over for him.

And why am I running around with all these people? Two friends packed off to Florida, another's busy with finals, another's in Israel. Everybody left, I feel so alone so that's what happens. I go looking for people.