Up Next: Passover

A dvar torah?! From this sewer mouth? Any Jewish readers that I haven't managed to isolate yet? I learn in yeshiva, spend Shabbos in yeshiva, clean for Pesach, wear tefillin (though I do unfortunately miss when I get very busy or am running late in the morning), daven, sometimes with minyan. You're laughing. My point is, when you ask, "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?" You never know who might stand up - every single person is a Slim Shady lurkin, haha, Guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us. Fvck it, let's all stand up. (Em)

But no, you say. My [son, daughter, sister, brother, father, mother, friend] isn't like that. By us frum yidden everyone is an angel. Things are different in our community (how do you draw that emoticon for :snort: ?). We aren't like those filthy goyim. Please! Can't we treat all people like people?

The Haggada has a hava amina, yachol meirosh chodesh. Why? We ask the 4 questions about food. Why? We blunt the teeth of the wicked son. Why? We tell the wise son about the law of not eating after the afikoman. Why?

Why did the five scholars remain up until their disciples reminded them to pray the morning shema? Did the disciples not want to remain awake discussing the tales of the Exodus with their masters? What is the meaning of kol hamarbeh lesaper sipur yetzias mitzrayim harey zeh meshubach?

Rosh Chodesh is proclaimed by the av beit hadin (or av beis din, just practicing my accents) and then everyone answers after him mekudash mekudash. Why?

All answer after him because rosh chodesh isn't something that is declared in heaven (shomayim). It is decreed by people, and each person must decree it for himself. Yachol meirosh chodesh, from the time of personal control over time, that we begin to feel the freedom of individual control and redemption from slavery.

The four questions pertain to what and how we eat on seder night because food gives each person a unique enjoyment. Al taam varei'ach ain lehitvakei'ach (lehisss'vakei'ach for the snakes and yeshivish people. Ow sorry that was wrong. I really like you, just like the 't' sound better in this phrase). This uniqueness in our sense of freedom is paramount to the night's special quality.

It doesn't say the action of marbeh lesaper is meshubach, but hamarbeh lesaper is himself a meshubach. The scholars' disciples would have loved to spend the night with their masters, but they didn't feel it. Only one who is on an exalted plane will be able to feel his personal yetzias mitzrayim.

The wicked son who generalizes all the stuff you do doesn't understand the significance of an individualized sense of freedom that each person can experience his way. So we blunt his teeth, the key to enjoyment of food. Anyone can get generic nutrition from a liquid diet, but the flavors and textures of food are released by the teeth. This quality the wicked son lacks.

The wise son, who appreciates the distinction between eidot, chukim, and mishpatim is reminded to savor the unique flavor of the afikoman and enjoy his personal sense of freedom from Egyptian bondage.

The message of seder night, isarusa dele'eyla, is without overly corrupting the Rabbi's message, that we should enjoy the special gifts Hashem has given to each of us and not look with envy at what our neighbor has. Appreciate that God took each and every one of us out of slavery in Egypt. It isn't just a yetzias mitzrayim for the klal, but a yetzias mitzrayim for the prat, for the yachid. I was a slave. He led me to freedom. He didn't just sign the Emancipation Proclamation, he signed my get shichrur. Nobody else can appreciate what I went through in captivity, so no one can truly share in my bliss upon release. But I thank you, God.

GQ Should Do a Cover with Shawn Hornbeck

GQ vs. Esquire? No contest. Esquire is inconsistent, has no image, no niche and is just random and weird but not in a good way. GQ is much more relevant and fresh. I was thrilled by their Shameless Left-Wing Magazine Agenda^TM message to Congress ("Dear Democrats") on the last page of the February issue:

1. Protect gay marriage
2. Environmental protection
3. Stop trash-talking the immigrants
4. Step up gun control
5. Legalize euthanasia
6. Respect separation of church and state
7. Iraq war reforms
8. Legalize marijuana

Granted, I don't agree 100% with this agenda, but it's the best I've heard anyone suggest to this Congress so far to help get our country back on track.

I was just listening to the radio and every five minutes the radio host (Richard Bey, fyi) wants to say something that he "can't say on the air". THERE IS NO FREEDOM IN THIS COUNTY ANYMORE. It died with 9/11 and the Bush administration. It took a few years of living abroad and then coming back to realize this because they have everyone here on subliminal mindf**k. Everyone is brainwashed with rhetoric, but bottom line is that we are awash with anachronistic restrictions.

Forgive me flying off the handle.

Anna Nicole Smith dead? I never heard of her before, and when I went to look now I saw she is uglier than Brittany.

Survey says most women would give up 15 months of sex for a new wardrobe. Hey, isn't the wardrobe to help you look attractive to the opposite sex? If you are abstaining anyway, why do you need the nice clothes? That's how a man sees it. I guess for gals it's different. Or the results are inaccurate.

"Some people say clothes make the man, but the right clothes can even replace him," fashion designer, stylist and TV personality Carson Kressley from the reality TV show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" said in a statement accompanying the poll.

Did anyone else notice that Shawn Hornbeck is really cute? I know, it isn't PC to say that about a boy who spent most of his teen years as a captive to an alleged child molester, but I think it's an important point and this goes back to the Anna Nicole Smith story. America is paying attention to stories about good looking people.

There was a recent scientific study done about implicit effects of political party affiliation on aesthetic judgments of candidates' appearance. Similar pictures of Bush and Gore from the 2000 presidential campaign were shown to participants, who were asked to judge physical appearance of the pics. Sure enough, party affiliation predicted aesthetic judgments with impressive accuracy.

It is foolish to deny the effects appearances have on us. Let's own up and then we can deal with the effects and correct our decisions. I hate to harp on the poor Aken family, but they composed a message published on their website and signed by Shawn that just wasn't written by a 15 year old boy. Especially one who hasn't been to school since 5th grade. He seems like a smart kid, but this speech was written up by lawyers and to sign Shawn's name to it - whose interests does that serve? Why the deception. But it's a delicate case. And one I'll probably be paying especially close attention to because its implications for forensic psychology may make it a fantastic term paper topic.

Oh and about the Aken family, this was a juicy, if irrelevant, factoid that the Post picked up on: Shawn's father Hornbeck was convicted on sexual assault charges and did prison time during Shawn's early childhood. He was released on parole around 1997, but Mrs. Horbeck divorced him and Shawn never had a relationship with his father after that. Shawn's mother remarried to Aken in 1999, three years before Shawn's abduction. That should clear up the name confusion (Uhduh why are Mr. and Mrs. Aken dragging Shawn Horbeck around the country...)

My deepest sympathy, and I know this is not enough, to all who have been hurt in this disturbing (I refuse for the time being to call it tragic; we don't have enough details yet to know if it was that. Remember your Shakespearean tragedies where everyone dies in the end and then you know it was a tragedy? Well here everyone is alive and possibly well) episode. And especially to you, Shawn, you're the greatest. (At least, I think you are; I don't really know you.)