When Literature Goes as Freight

how i wished we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle together and talk and laugh and cry. it wasn't even sex i wanted. just him. i left him a note when i left "bye sexy, thanks 4 the awesome evening" it's the closest i came to letting someone in on my secret, but i could always say it was a joke if questioned wrong about it. actually a french guy in my summer school started hitting on me yesterday. the trouble is, maintaining my self-confidence requires being intimate only with people i really respect and admire - or at least, am truly infatuated with. so if someone isn't really hot, i won't get in bed with them. smart idea, right? problem is, that limits my options. anyway, this parisian dude didn't make the cut. nice guy and all, i said we could just be friends. the whole scene was like something out of a movie.

first i was watching tv, and he kept looking over at me. then i got up to go do my laundry and i knew his eyes were following me. he came into the laundry room and tried feebly to strike up a conversation (remember the laundry scenes in 40 Yeary Old Virgin?)

He asked something about the quantity of clothing i was washing, and i responded something about how often i do laundry and liking to keep my clothing clean. i excused myself to get my detergent from my room, and wasn't surprised to find him still in the laundry room when i returned. it was clear already this was more than standard introductions. so i asked his name and where he came from, what he was studying and for how long he'd been here. the standard questions. At some point he asked:

"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"no... do you"
"no, i'm gay, so i wouldn't have a girlfriend. how old are you?"
"howoldiam. how old are you"
"howoldiam. you know, you're really cute"
"thanks [note: i don't add 'you're really cute too']"
:he leans in for a kiss: :i back off slightly:
"actually, i'm a little confused right now"
"that's ok. do you want to close the door?"
"we can go for a walk and talk about it if you'd like"
:walk outside: :silence:
"so. how did you know?" :smile:
"well, i wasn't sure"
:they walk and talk for a while:
:he tries again for a kiss:
"i don't think we should do this. i've never had a friend who i could discuss my true feelings with and it would be a shame to ruin that by having sex" [question: did this sound like an obvious brushoff? cause it was part of my cheshbon. a big part. though admittedly it wouldn't have mattered if i thought he was mad sexy]
"do you want to just try it?"
"not now." [notice how polite i am]
:more talk:
"you know if we do end up having sex, it will be just for fun. i don't want emotions in it, so no one gets hurt. I don't want to fall in love with you or have you fall in love with me [note: if there was any minute chance of that happening, you just blew it] because you are going back to america after the summer and i will go back to france. under the circumstances, it is not a good idea."
"so basically you're saying 'i don't really like you that much, but i haven't got anything better at the moment...'"
"no, i think you are very cute. it's just the circumstances, you understand"

i did understand. but of course though it seems weird to be so open about that, it is only what i would have wanted from it as well to be honest. he's from paris, i'm from new york. it couldn't work long-term even if i did like him. but the other guy, from my old school. he could be a real option. if only i could feel safe enough to talk to him about it...