tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25881684.post8732152747344980916..comments2023-10-26T06:37:54.945-04:00Comments on Tearing But Whole: Sushi, Birthday Cake, and a Side of DeathTeddy Douglashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01427150167738508315noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25881684.post-31363227601855368012009-08-10T12:16:03.444-04:002009-08-10T12:16:03.444-04:00Thanks for your kind words. Good point about mourn...Thanks for your kind words. Good point about mourners still loving the deceased, but when you grieve the loss of the living, that is something else. Thanks for writing.Teddy Douglashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01427150167738508315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25881684.post-39500582779349675182009-08-07T05:09:21.559-04:002009-08-07T05:09:21.559-04:00Hi! Thank you for Following It's Getting Bett...Hi! Thank you for Following It's Getting Better. I'll Follow your blog in return - although there's not little widget thing to show that I am!<br /><br />I don't really want to get into trying to offer advice to you having only just met you - as it were! Seems to me that would be presumptuous.<br /><br />Having said that a man I love to (almost violently) disagree with 'n' has already give you what must be very sound advice from what little I understand about you (yet) and the moderate amount I know about our catholic (with a capital c) friend. Deep inside he'a good guy really - it's just he and I think each other is so misguided on the matter of religion.<br /><br />Whatever. We can exchange blog links if you like Its GB's URL for the link is http://soitsgettingbetter.blogspot.com/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25881684.post-72006847055410093172009-08-06T14:22:52.759-04:002009-08-06T14:22:52.759-04:00Well, I'm coming in in the middle of things, s...Well, I'm coming in in the middle of things, so I don't know anything beyond what you say in this post.<br /><br />You make pretty good sense. It seems that your aunt wasn't doing herself a favor by inviting you over. My take is she genuinely wanted to give you a nice evening. It's too bad she doesn't know you well enough to know that you want fish sushi and that you don't want to eat cake, or what kind of cake you like. (But let's not be fanatics about healthy foods. A piece of birthday cake isn't going to kill you.) You have to be in pretty regular mealtime contact to know someone's food preferences. So I chalk it up to good intentions. Your disappointment is understandable, but maybe it could have been tempered a bit more by appreciation for (rather than questioning of) her good intentions.<br /><br />She should have kept her mouth shut about being made to wait at the gym. If you hadn't already been disappointed by the meal, maybe it would have been easier to take when she said that. But if it led to a real heart to heart, it could be for the best.<br /><br />I seem to have heard the thing about sitting shiva for a child who marries a non-Jew, but I'd have thought it would be uncommon nowadays — even though intermarriage often leads to the loss of future generations. The thing is, there are mixed feelings. When one sits shiva, it is not that one doesn't love the one who died, but that one grieves a loss. Parents can feel deeply hurt by things their children do. The depth of their love increases their pain.<br /><br />Of course, it's your life. You don't have to make decisions about marriage or equally important things just to avoid giving pain to your parents. But the "They should be happy that I'm happy" argument doesn't work in real life, even though it sounds good on paper. If they think you've made a big mistake, it will disappoint them. Parents have hopes for their children. Some of those hopes have to do with things that really matter to them, and we can't expect the things that matter deeply to our parents to stop mattering to them just because they don't matter so much to us. So if they are hurt by your lifestyle, it is because they care about you and have different beliefs about what is good. I'm sure they wouldn't be happier if you were gone.<br /><br />So, if you end up marrying a non-Jew, or a boy, your parents may well grieve, whether or not they actually sit shiva. They have a right to their feelings. If you are prepared for it, that should help. If you can be the ideal son in some of the little ways that you and your aunt talked about, that may help them as well as you to get through whatever disappointment they feel about your lifestyle.<br /><br />So don't be too hard on yourself for disappointing you parents. And don't be too hard on them for being disappointed. It hurts because you and they care.naturgesetzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15268507379933286863noreply@blogger.com